My world as you see it

2010-12-13T15:00:00.002+08:00

Tonight went to prom. Bought my stuffs from John little. The whole outfit cost 150 bucks. But hey, I bought office wear so it's still useful I guess. Well quite a few of us came late, then again the event only started at around 7.30. Don't really blame the girls, they probably had to doll up. But I must say what hui xian wore was too revealing. Maybe she's going clubbing after prom, I don't know. And of course my prediction was correct, a lot of girls overdid their make up. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but I just think the whole thing was like a...farcade...I mean everyone was dressed up, putting a hell lot of effort into it. But at the end of the day behind those make up, those posh clothings and sexy dresse, is just another schoolmate. I just get put off by this whole thing. Anyway tab was sick, she was suddenly down with fever just yesterday. She wore another nice dangly earrings, as usual. But I didn't flick it cuz I don't want to disturb a sick girl. She went home half way. Man the 65 bucks was totally not worth it. The food was average. And they only had two drinks. And the food sometimes arrive cold. And the beauty peagent was...well not just my cup of tea. And the MC sounded tiring awhile with his lame jokes.
Hmmm...to me it's a bitter sweet feeling now. On one hand you won't be seeing your classmates, friends, some of whom you'll miss much and some of whom...well not so much. Then on the other hand there's this new future ahead of us where we can't wait to move into. I just wish everyone all the best for thier future. This two years have been real tough for me. But there are so many memories, there are both good and bad. Probably all of them will stay in my mind.
I went home with yl and kf after that. We took mrt, lucky we managed to catch the last train. Then that yl made me send kf home. He just alighted at je mrt and just left both of us. Kf said no need for me to send her home but the situation was obvious. It's already passed midnight and I'm the only guy left. So it wasn't a matter of choice. I don't like it all, we just kept silent through out. And I just hate that awkward atmosphere. Anyway after I sent her to her block lift, I at first thought of taking a cab home. But decided to walk back home. Just to clear my thoughts and reflect. So now here I am writing at a bus stop.
Well there's this unsettling news that I wanted to tell tab but decided not to. My dad is now floating the idea of sending me to Australia for further studies, it's not definite but has a high chance of it. He said there are better job opportunities there and easier to settle down and not so fast paced and crowded like Singapore. Plus my brother is already there so it's easier to send me over. As always, thinking for his sons futures. I mean it makes sense according to his ideas. But I don't feel good about it. It's already hard trying to provide for my brother who's already there. And he's the one who kept complaining about it. Now he wants to send me over too. It'll just add even more burden to him and I feel guilty about it too. But the worst thing for me is changing to a new environment. I can't imagine going through the whole thing as I did when I came over to Singapore to study. And losing my close friends here. That's the hardest part. I'm not a very socialble person and it takes a while for me to warm up to someone. Hai...I don't know how to break it to my friends. I don't know how they'll react to it when I tell them that they might never see me again. Seriously I'll miss everyone and probably will have another breakdown. Hmmm...just thinking of it is already hard. Maybe that's just my fate, to be a drifter, going from one place to another, just passing by, never staying long. But I think I should at least tab about it. Of all people I guess it'll be wrong of me not to tell her and just disappear. If it happens, I guess she'll have to find another guy to complain about monthly cramps, quarrels with her sibilings and parents. Find another guy who's shy and introvert to shoot at and make him feel embarrassed. Find another guy who admires her nice dangly earrings and itching to flick them. I guess I'll break it to her one of these days. Ok time for me to start walking back home again.
6/12

2010-12-13T15:00:00.001+08:00

I CAN'T PLAY TESTIMONIAL!!! >( Apparently it's been postponed AGAIN to Jan. It's damn fucked up. I was really looking forward to it. I thought I could finally play flanker. Arrrggg, I'm pissed.
Hai...anyway went down for training with the j1s, and I forgot to bring my boots. Brought the wrong boots. Still feel cui, but improving. Mr sufian said I can play the Centaurs match. But it's 10s and there's no flanker position!! But I guess I'll just have to be contempt with it. We played a couple of 10s matches with the seniors. Funny thing was tha there were more seniors than the juniors. Daniel said some of them were sick and the others have work. Anyway, the j1s have much work to do. Their tacklings are a really problem. Like Yee Min said, they're not taking the initiative and being committed to the tackle. I kept telling them, especially Robert, that they always go in with their arms stretched. They're trying to pull down the opponent instead of going in with the shoulders to give a solid tackle. Playing 10s means there are more spaces to run and with this many miss tackles that they're making, they'll just get owned. And they still lack the agression. Ted said they're quite soft.
Anyway, the other day I didn't realize I make tab feel insulted, saying about her faith. I felt so guilty after reading. Well it got me thinking, is religion, or even race, going to be a big issue for my future life? Well I think I'm a free-thinker now. I've been exposed to a few different religions and somehow it just doesn't...how to put it...make me feel like I want to put my believe in any of it. When I was young, I started off as a Buddhist. My mom always relate it with morals to teach me how to be a good person. And of course I didn't question much and just took them in as she said, what would you expect from a small kid who was expected to be guai. We were very close and I guess I even enjoyed all her guidances and teachings. She used to go on and on from one thing to another and I'll just hug her and listen and they sounded interesting. But the problem was that she's still half Burmese. And when she married my dad and came into a chinese family, she had to follow the customs because it was a traditional Chinese family. So there she was teaching me Buddhist but it's a mix of Burmese and Chinese. So we would go to both Burmese and Chinese temples to pray. And it all became sort of mambo jambo, I slowly start to take it as tradition instead of taking it as practicing my belief, because I guess I was lost. There I was praying to different deities without putting my faith in. And when I came to Singapore to study, I lived with a guardian and the family was Christian. They would take us to church and make us join the children service with their own children. I felt very intruded at first and told my dad about it, he said never mind just take it as exposure. And it was quite an exposure. It was totally different from Buddhism. I didn't think that joyful singing was giving hounour and respect. And I thought these people went mad when they started praying in the 'tongue language'. And how do you pray when you don't have a visual image of the god. All these left me very puzzled. But I slowly learnt when I asked my friends about their religions, likewise for Muslim and Hinduism. And I learnt somemore when I went to my secondary school which was a catholic school. There are many type of Christianity, sort of how my Buddhism was like. I don't know how to tell my parents that I don't believe in their faith anymore. I don't dare. I don't know how they would react to it. And in the future would the girl I like, mind about me not having a religion and likewise for her parents. Personally I don't really care about her religion, well maybe except for Muslim. I can't go on for the rest of my life without pork. Would my parents mind too about her different religion? And if somehow we managed to pass this huge barrier through some miracle, when we have kids whose religion are they going to follow? Personally I don't mind if they follow hers. It makes things easier as well since it's easier to teach using religion. Hmm...the more you think about it, the more the things get complicated.
27/11

2010-11-24T13:28:00.001+08:00

Been quite long since I wrote. Now that the more worrying papers are over, I can ease up a little. Let's see...chem was a killer. Gp was ok I guess. Math was relatively easy which means the cut off mark for A will be much higher. Can't wait to start relaxing and playing again on 23rd. All that's left will be physics p1 and it'll still be almost a week away so not much pressure. Hopely the guys can come down for a training. If not I guess I'll hang out with Eugene and yl. Probably be playing tennis and swim after that. It's gonna take quite an effort for me to start my engine again. Been so long since I last exercised and I've put up a few pounds during this exam period. My school pants feel tight now. Damn those chips!!! They're so enticingly placed right beside the sofa for me to chomp on automatically when I'm watching tv. And not to mention those nice afternoon naps after lunch. And the cunningly placed condensed milk can in the fridge which is opened wide for me to dip my pinkie in and suck on it. I've already came up with a rough schedule to get back into shape. In the morning, probably go to school and run for an hour followed by gym session. Then in the evening, join the j1 training and on those no training days I'll probably go down to Eugene's house to swim or go jw swimming complex or just go run. Probably be feeling sluggish for the first couple days but I can only blame myself...and the chips...and the naps...and the condensed milk...and my mom (it's all her fault for buying those chips and opening the can in the first place, wait in fact it's all her fault!!)
Busy days ahead for all of us. Yl today asked me to follow him on Friday to jp to buy present for xj. Her birthday is coming up on the 22nd, next Monday. And he's got quite a plan going on. According to him, he asked her out for a movie. At first she asked whether is it class outing. Then he said no, I just want you to go. She replied ok can. Sounds like a date!! Hmm...it could be just me or I'm getting better at taking hints, but that definitely sounds like a hint for yl to make a move. Or she's just plain naive or just toying with yl. Well I wish him all the best. If all went well, we might be seeing a newly formed couple at prom :) Speaking of which, not really looking forward to prom. It's such a big fuss and a hassel. I've to go shopping for a shirt, pants and shoes. And I've to endure the horror of seeing girls with overly done make up. Personally I prefer girls without make up. I mean everyone has got a pimple or two and even for those with acne problems, I think make up will just worsen their conditions. Hmm...I'm not sure what I'll do after prom. Confirm would have some post prom programme. I shall see where the wind blows. Anyway after chem we went to bukit batok to eat. We talked about how they check out girls. They'll usually turn their heads and observe the girl for a couple of seconds and in that time manage to assess from top to bottom. As always I failed miserably again. Seems like I don't know the procedure of assessment. I'll usually just take a quick glance and that's about it...well maybe other than the mrt girl case. That one even I myself have no idea why it happened. Anyway, I won't scan from top to bottom and come up with a rating. Well it's more like I can't. My brain can't process fast for this kind of thing.
After prom, I think I'll probably be left with two weeks plus before I return home. Well, I guess this time round I have something to look forward to. It's been like 10 years since I came to Singapore to study and I haven't had a Chinese reunion dinner with the whole family every since. 10 years!!! It's like more than half my lifetime!! Every year I dread CNY period. It's always the same old thing, stuck at home doing nothing. I envy my friends, having fun with the families during the dinner and collecting hong baos. It's not so much about the food but the whole atmosphere. I guess I enjoy the company of having people eating together with me and chatting. And my grandpa's birthday is in January so that's two dinners to look forward to. Plus I'll be collecting hong baos as well, which I can change back S$ from my parents :D :D free cash is always nice. But I'm not sure about being around for the annual water festival. It's in April and I might be in Singapore. It's always such fun during those 4 days of festival. I'll say it's on par with the new year eve party for teenagers, probably the most anticipated holiday as well. But all I have are the impressions when I was still a kid. It was so fun. My dad would arrange a pick-up truck on the 3rd and 4th day for touring around the city. Those on the truck were usually some from the office and friends of my aunties and uncle. I remember I would sit at the front of the truck with my aunty, armed with my trusty pressurised water gun. I would use anyone and anything that I could get my hands on as target practice. We would load the truck with 2 large barrels filled with water and a big block of ice in each and tour the city, splashing at people and getting splashed back. It's a whole day affair. We would set off in the late morning and just enjoy ourselves till late in the evening. There would be stages built around the whole city where they'll have music and girls dancing and lots and lots of water being splashed around. And mind you from what I remember, girls dressed appropriately and dancing traditional dances. We would drive to those popular stages and sometimes my auntie and the driver will quickly pull up their windows when approaching them because they meant business. Some of them are equipped fire hoses and high pressure water guns. My parents wouldn't allow me to go to the back of the truck because it's dangerous for a kid. But it could be boring after a while being stuck at the front of the truck. So I would beg my auntie to let me go to the back for some action. She would reluctantly allow provided I stay in the middle. And I'd get eventually called back after a few stops. And at those really big stages, things could get a bit rowdy. Some guys who were drunk would shout and scold vulgarities and wolf whistle at girls. But those girls at the stage doesn't get physically harassed because the stages are built a storey high. But mostly I would say it's clean innocent fun. Guys would try to tease the girls and try to attract attention and girls will purposely ignore them. Come to think of it, it's sort of like a flirting period for the youngsters. And they would drench the girls by pouring water slowly over them but they will smack the scoop of water as hard as they can at each other. And those sometimes can really hurt if done by an expert. I wonder what the whole thing is like now. Hai...come to think of it, I've been missing quite a few fun festivals with so much fun things to do. Durning CNY, we get to play with fireworks. My grandpa would buy them at from Chinatown where he used to live and give them to us to play. There are many types of fireworks. There's one where it gives multiple loud bangs. Then there's one like a rocket where after you lit it, it'll fly off with a loud 'shoooo' and end with an exploding bang. But my favourite is the firework stick. It's this about a half metre long stick filled with rounds and rounds of pellets. When you lit them, it shoot out those pellets and gives a firework display like those during national day parade. Not as spectular but still quite awesome. Then there's this candle festival. My mom would buy a few packets of candle and we would lit up our whole driveway. Then after that I'd start playing with fire, burning whatever things that I can get my hands on. We would also fly hot air ballons into the night sky. Can also other people's ballons up there as well. Then during monsoon season when we start having those heat rashes from eating too much heaty stuff like durians, my mom would let us bath in the rain. I would play ball with my brother or just run around, half naked like some crazy kid. Then we used to have seasonal fruit pickings. The garden is half fruit plantation. Got coconut, mango, guava, banana, lemon, papaya, starfruit and the velvet fruit (I don't know the actual name). My mom tried to plant watermelon for me once but it didn't work. Hmm...that habit of hers, planting useful and edible plants, even till now she tries to do that. She got this whole pot of spring onions in the house. Hmm...actually there's so much to relfect about my mom. Maybe I should dedicate a post for her. Wait...in fact maybe I should just dedicate one for whole the family, about the Leongs. Next time bah. That will be one hell of a long post.
Oh the other day I was watching this documentry on samurai sword. It's really insightful and fascinitating, about the quality of the craftsmanship and actual composition of the sword. It's amazing how people long ago could produce such a fine weapon without modern technology. It's a really tidious process of making a fine sword. There's this ore maker who would make this special carbon-steel and send it to the blacksmith who would then make the sword. After that the blacksmith would then send the sword to the polisher who would then sharpen the sword and make the blade shiny. All these people are master-class and they take great pride in their work. So they would put in the skills to produce perfect results so as to not get looked down by other fellow master craftsmen. The sword known as katana is the ultimate melée weapon. It has both aesthetic and function perfectly combined.And it has a long history with heavy Japanese influence. I'm going to display one at my house next time. My grandpa has a katana and short sword but I don't know where they're now. I remember when I used to visit him, I would sometimes sneak into his room to check out the sword. It's a lot heavier than expected. And the blade is so shiny. But the edge is dull. Maybe it's a display sword. I know there's this shop at plaza sing. It's sort of an armory shop. Got all kinds of stuff like knight armors and all kinds of swords and weapons. I think almost all of them are displaying items but they look so cool. Nothing beats a lightsaber though :)
Well that's it for now. Gosh this probably is the longest post ever.
16/11
Can't wait for Tuesday. We are starting training again. Quite a few j2s are coming down. And it's also time for me to start getting back into shape. That means no chips, no condensed milk, no afternoon naps after lunch and no soft drinks. According to mr sufian, the testimonial match is tentatively on the 4th Dec so we only have a couple weeks to get our game together, and hopefully get back at least half percent or our season fitness. This won't be much of a problem for me though because I'll be working out almost everyday. This only thing I'll have to be careful is over-exhaustion. So I'll probably plan my own conditioning after my first work out.
This is a highly anticipated match. Your looking at potential plate champs for next year vs current plate champs. So everyone is assuming that j1s are the underdogs. But in reality we are the ones. We're going up against a team which is bigger, stronger and fitter than us. And they are constantly in touch with the game. While we are unfit and lack of practice. They already have many match experiences, competitions even, so not much weaknesses we can exploit. The only weakness that I can think of is executing their backline plays. I know they've played 7s, but 15 aside is quite different. You've got less space and the pressure is much higher. When you get the ball, the opponent would probably be right at your face. Other than Daniel, the rest of the backline may screw up a bit. Our gameplan will most probably be safety and ball retention. They've got huge people like Javier and Kenneth which makes them very dangerous in our 22. They could just drive or maul through for a try, so we should always kick back for safety. Also, since we'll be slower than them, we need to retain our ball posession to slow down the pace of the game. The forwards will be a real problem. Rucks are very dangerous for us cuz they can easily turnover with their size. The only way I could see us pulling through is with sheer willpower, determination and hunger for the game. Its either make or break. Either win the j1s as everyone expected or go down in jj rugby histroy as the first senior batch to lose to the juniors in a testimonial match. I hope it'll be the former.
I'm not sure what the class had in mind after physics on Tuesday. Probably the usual stuff like pool or movie. Well maybe not yl and xj :) they probably have 'other things' to do. Think maybe Eugene might be asking me to play LAN with him.
21/11

2010-10-06T18:36:00.001+08:00

Been a while again since I wrote, too busy with tution homeworks. There were piles of work to be done and I can't even find time to go out much during the one week holiday. Lucky tab arranged it on a Wednesday, my only tution free day, for the badminton outing. It was fun, since it's been a long time since I held a badminton racket. It was surprising that tab had a lot of rackets to lend, it was as if her whole family is into the sport. Anyway, I was a bit out of touch at first but quickly regained my technique. I've always like to play net shots. To me it's more exciting and fun since there's little room for errors and narrow wins. I tried to regain my shots, like the one where the shuttlecock wobbles just over the net or the one where the shuttle crosses almost horizontally to the other side while being very close to the net. I think these kind of shots put a lot of stress on the opponent cuz they can only return a defensive shot and still have to avoid hitting the net if the shuttle is very close. Besides I was playing with girls so this kind of style suits them more since I can't play smashing with them. Makes it a bit more even and fun I guess. But it's risky. It can result in a lot of unforced error, which btw I made a lot. But it's fun to see your opponent getting frustrated in trying return your irritating shots. My thighs were killing me for two days afterwards. Probably cuz of the stretching and squatting. Surprisingly I found out that if I were to squat I can return smashes better. Then after that we went to eat dinner at fish and co. Tab only sat with us for a while cuz she was having dinner at home. Didn't talk much, mostly listened to the ongoing conversation.On the way home things got really awkward. Kf and I happened to take the same bus. When we got on, we didn't even stand next to each other. It was sort of mutual I guess, both of us don't really have anything to say to each other and prefer to have minimal interaction.
Anyway, went to tab's condo to swim last Sunday. Been having this urge to swim and Sunday was the last possible day that I could. Her pool is small but it's big enough for me to practice my fly without drowning. It was funny when she got jealous of me getting a drink made by her mom whereas she didn't get one. I was rubbing it in the whole time. She really got sore about it.
Got back some of my results, just passed gp and math, but got B for Econ. It's really surprising that tab failed gp this time round. Of all people, I guess she's the least likely person. A bit disappointed with my math though. I thought I would do better, paper 2 felt easier but I got lower marks for it than paper 1.
Oh, and Sheng Da and Germaine are apparently back together. He told me they've patched up. He said they had a long and serious talk over it. Haven't got time to really asked him about it. Anyway, I heard some of the ruggers are planning to join and play for club with mr sufian's recommendation after a level. I wish I could do the same but I've to return home. But I think I can play when I come back to take my results. Meanwhile back home, I can train on my fitness. After the results are released, I'll have to wait for the application process for courses so I can work and play rugby like once a week. I'll probably have to get an armour then since I'll be quite puny as compared to most of the guys playing for clubs. Probably be asked to play as backline also. Can't wait for rugby world cup next year. NZ will kick eveyone's ass.
15/9
My prelim results are CEE,B but Lucas told me there's a new grading system where 69-60 is B, 59-55 is C and 50-54 is D. In that case then my results will be BDD,B. But still no difference, the main thing is the chase for that elusive A, which I still don't have. Anyway I really need to get a proper swimming trunks and goggles. I need to keep my tights for rugby. And goggles is a must since I swim for quite a while, my eyes won't be able to take the chlorine in the pool even if it's a condo pool. My new craze now is swimming since I can't play rugby. I think my fly stroke has improved quite a bit. Now I can complete one proper lap. I realized the kicks are more important than the arm strokes. Physically the legs are stronger than the arms so it makes sense when it's always my arms getting tired first. So the legs have to kick harder to compensate for the weaker arm. That way I can last longer. And the dolphin style is the most fundemental and very important. It's the wiggling of your body through the water. It helps you to keep the timing and the flow of the whole stroke. If you can't get the hang of it, you'll never be able to swim fly properly cuz your arms and legs just won't connect. Last Saturday when I went eugene's condo pool, he was trying to get the hang of the dolphin. But he ended up wiggling at the same spot like a fish out of water. Ironic. Maybe I should suggest to him to go learn the body wave, then apply it in the pool. Nowadays at home I keep practicing my arm strokes, swinging my arms around like a retard. That day we were talking about yl. He didn't swim with us because he said he wanted to go buy shoes at queensway. But apparently, he was studying at je library at first, with none other than xj of couse. Heavy colour light friend, haha. I don't know what's up with him, he keeps saying he don't care about girls, only care about himself. But looks like it's all air. Then we talked about li yi. He still can't get over her. It's like one sided affection. Then he questioned me whether I've really gotten over kf. I told him I have. But I was surprised that he didn't know that something happened between jl and her. I thought like everyone knew. At first I also didn't know everyone knew. I kept mum about it to protect her reputation. But then Nwe Nwe told me she knew, hx also knew. Then I started finding out that most of them also knew. Eugene and me share quite a bit of same sentiments. He was saying that maybe it's boys school pattern.
Well today there was a weird encounter with the weird hx. I got bored and tried my luck again with her in finding out the guy. It was sort of casual, I didn't even put in much effort. Then after lecture while walking down the stairs she suddenly asked me whether I'll invite her to my wedding next time. It was so random, just out of the blue she asked me that. I shall not bother myself with it.
19/8
The days in school are getting quite mundane. Especially Fridays. It's get really tiring towards the last lesson which is chem. The thought of it just makes me feel drained. But from the looks of it, things won't be improving. From next week onwards the lessons in school are just going to be tutorials. And they are at least 1.5 hrs. Just have to endure it for a month. Then comes the stress build up. I don't know how some can still be so stress free, like tab. That stupid poop, today tried very hard to convince that she's stressed out by showing her little pimple -.-. I realized I can't study in the afternoon after school. When I reach home I'll just end up checking emails then surf the net a bit to read manga or play bejeweled. Then take a nap till dinner time and start studying only at around 6.30+. And sometimes I stone when I study or play with my phone a bit. I think I'll study in school after lessons from next week onwards. Try to put more hours into revising. With the prelim papers piling up for all the subjects and plus my tution homeworks, think I'll really need those extra hours.
Well, yl has been studying out with xj during the weekends. He obviously still likes her. Maybe things are slowly working out for him. When I asked xj when she broke up with chun chai, whether she see her and yl together in the future. She replied no. I can't bear to tell yl that lest I discourage him. And anyway, you'll never know. As time pass, people and their feelings may change. He might be able to move her heart, who knows.
Today, me Gary, Eugene and yl were having lunch and we continued with our conversation about the bad points about girls in our class. Xj was the starter, which of course yl had to answer for it. But ended up dissolving the whole thing cuz when you like someone, you will become blind about the person and everything about that person is great. Then came kf and it was of course my turn to answer for it. I said she's not frank with me. I still remember on Monday when ms low recalled her jc life, how it was troubled by relationship problems and involved dumping someone. Then Gary started to shoot kf and I felt bad for her. But tab said she kinda deserved it. Well out of the whole thing, after much self-reflection, I've came to terms with it. I don't blame her for everything that has happened. Well, the only thing that I'd blame her is for not being frank with me. Out of this whole drama, she's as much a victim as I am. Feeling guilty over it, people badmouthing about her behind her back, all the awkward situations. Anyways the guys then started to bring out all my loser points, like how I never asked her out or held her. They tried to rub it in by saying that even Jian lin held before. Speaking of who, when I went on facebook to play bejeweled the first comment I saw was Jian lin's hinting that he still wants to be with kf, which btw was quite an obvious hint. Can't say that I was surprised but I just think he's just ruining his life. Now is really not the time for this, for both parties, and both their prelim results are not that good to begin with. I think jl has lost his rational senses. The way things are going and with his attitude, there's a high chance that he won't make it this year. Kf's no better, I think she failed almost all her subjects. Hmm...come to think of it, if they were to repeat next year, there might be a high chance for them to reunite? Well I can't repeat, my dad l would kill me before I do. I also can't wait to move on with my life. This 2 years of jc life was quite messed up. It would have been worse without my close friends and rugby.
Tomorrow going swimming at eugene's house again. My body is still aching from the pull ups I did. Butterfly!!!
24/9
Going to full gear mugger mode now. Deleted all my games on my phone. No more swimming, no more com, no more slacking. Probably will stop writing too, so this might just be the last entry till after a level. I got really irritated with hx today. In the morning she disturbed me while I was doing math paper. I was measuring the scales for the argand diagram and marked my compass for the radius needed for the circle. Then I left the compass calipers open and went on to draw the scales. That stupid hx closed the compass. I was pissed. It's frigging annoying. Then she just giggled. Maybe she's trying to act cute or thinks is funny. But it's not!!! And the fact that I was doing math paper was already frustrating enough. Anyway, I calmed myself and didn't let loose. Seriously, she's been getting more irritating nowadays. Like she keep trying draw stupid turtles on my papers and play around with my stationary or waste them. After the photo taking at the pe porch, we went up to the class to do a bit of work cuz apparently there's no pe. Speaking of which the girls ke kiang and stood behind during the photo taking. Not saying that I'm tall but, when the guys sat in front I think it'll just make the girls look shorter. Imagine people like Jian lin and Xiao Liang already reaching about kf's height even when sitting down. Anyway in the class, when I was settling down, that hx commented on my white hair and tried to pull it. That's when I lost it. I told her off to stop irritating me and that she's getting very irritating nowadays. I didn't shout at her. It was just a little raise in the volume. After I let off a bit of steam, everything just returned to normal till Gary came to me during break and started praising me that I did well to tell her off. I didn't even give it a second thought about it after it happened until after Gary mentioned it. Apparently, he witnessed the whole thing. He said after I told her off, she made that awkward face and luckily things weren't so bad cuz Xiao Liang tried to shoot me when I told her off. Then I thought back and felt bad about it cuz maybe I went a bit overboard. But Gary said I did the right thing and didn't went overboard at all. Then the guys tried to be cheeky and said maybe she's trying to attract my attention or trying to flirt with me. I was like who in the hell flirt by pulling white hair?!?! But I still feel bad. I may have overreacted a bit. I, myself, might be irritating to her sometimes, like I used to pester her to tell me the guy she like, so it wasn't really fair on my part perhaps? Anyway, I shall talk to her tomorrow and dissolve the whole thing and stop myself from dwelling on it.
Had a nice surprise today, Fern texted me. It was a bit random but we managed to exchange a few text. We were asking each other about the prelim results. And he was still sore about losing to me during o level, saying things like this time he won't lose to me. I miss my st.gab's friends. Well actually just the close bunch of them really. The rest in my class are mostly just a bunch of overly kia su, snotty bunch of muggers. Well there are a few that are generally nice but not really close with them. He's like Zhen yuan minus the genius brain. He's overly nice that he gets bullied by his own younger sister. In his eyes maybe it's just older brother's love for younger sister? I wonder if he's still the old fern. Gosh, must really catch up with the guys after a level.
I added my primary school friend Caiyi on facebook. She added me first so I just accepted. Then I just left a comment on her wall asking like how are things. In fact those primary school friends that I have in my friends list, we never contact at all, well maybe other than Esther but I think this year we didn't even talk once. We've lost contact for so long that we're just as good as strangers. I just feel sad about the situation, that we just drift away and become 'hi, bye' friends. Also in school there are those acquaintances whom I barely know other than their names. When we meet along the walkway, we're suppose to greet each other, maybe just out of politeness. I find it a bother and feel awkward because I barely know the person in the first. I just don't like to act all friendly to people whom I barely know. Maybe I'm being antisocial or unfriendly but I really don't see the point in it. I don't know, I take quite a while to warm up to people and there must be a certain bond established before I can be comfortable with that person. I guess I behave this way, sort of hesitant to make friends, because I've experienced many drifted-away-friendships since when I was a kid. I studied in two different primary schools, which means I had to replace my first ever group of Singaporean friends with my new primary school friends. Then in secondary school I moved to another part of Singapore. I was alone again in a new environment and lost contact with all my new primary school friends. And they are replaced by a whole new group of secondary school friends. By then I think I've became numb and used to having friends that come and go I guess. Then now in jc, I moved from serangoon back to jurong and hardly contact my secondary school friends. The whole cycle repeat itself. Alone again in a new environment. I guess it became too much and I broke down during the orientation camp. People make fun of me about it but I guess they won't understand because they never experienced this kind of situation before and they'll never understand cuz I'm not going to explain myself. Since they're already so insensitive to laugh at it, no point wasting my breath and energy. Only Jaystine trys to defend me, she's a retainee so she probably knows a bit of how it feels. I think it's sort of a reaction from past experience to the way I make friends, sort of conditioned perhaps? Because the less friends I make, the less friendships get drifted away that way. And honestly I think it might be good. I rather have a few really close friends than a whole lot of 'hi, bye' friends.
Speaking of friendships, me and jl talked a bit at night. He was saying he's going to pon school. He was being melancholic about the jc life ending and not seeing each other again. But actually it was more about the kf problem. Seems like he still can't get over her, or maybe he doesn't want to. He told me he asked her to be together many times and got rejected everytime. If only he was that persistent in his studies. Well, I can't help him in that department. It's something that he'll just have to figure it out himself cuz no one can make him come to his senses and see the big picture other than himself.
Well, that's it for now. From now till after a level, must study hard already. Not much time left. Till then I shall keep my heart and mind vacant only for studies.
4/10

2010-09-05T12:26:00.000+08:00

Been a while since I last wrote, busy studying for prelim. I've been saving up quite a bit now. I would say I'm no longer in financial deficit. Actually, due to the deficit I've gotten rid of my craving for eclipse. Ever since I had to pay off for my jersery and going buffet and stuffs with the guys, I tightened my spendings and stopped buying eclipse. It's been so long since I bought one. Maybe at least 3-4 months already and I'm no longer crazy about them. Also, I picked up saving habits. Now at the end of the night, I'll just throw whatever coins left in my wallet for the day into my saving pouch. I also make a 'compulsory' saving of $10 every week. Doing all this make me feel like a little kid again. But it's kind of rewarding I guess, when u see your savings slowly add up, knowing that you're getting richer ^^. Always thought having a bit of savings for myself is always good to prepare for situations, like u need money for emergency or your friend needs to borrow urgently or even to satisfy the sudden shopping compulses. Always good to have some spare cash. For studying for prelim and saving up to recover my financial balance, I'm going to reward myself and buy a cap that I've always wanted after prelim ^^.
Speaking for cash, was talking with tab the other day and we chatted about richness. I guess in a sense girls have it easier than guys. If they're lucky enough, they might be able to charm their way to a rich husband and struck gold and live an easy life. But hence the term gold digger. I never want to have one in my life. For guys, you'll probably have to work your ass off to be financially secure and with girls being so materialistic these days, it's hard to find a soulmate. Come to think of it, I've always suspected that Kai Si cheated on Woon Shin and got together with Xian Wen maybe partly because Xian Wen is rich so might enjoy better being with him. I don't know...it all seem wrong to me. First of all, you should never cheat, what more on your brother. Second, it just make a very bad impression on both parties. My mom always says this, you live with your pride not with your live. Anyway back to the main topic, tab was saying what her dream house will look like and stuff. I never really thought of a dream house. Hmm...maybe a house by the beach with the front view of the sea would be nice. But I think the people living in that house is more important. The people, basically your family, is what makes the house into a home. Even if you were to live in your dream house and yet when u come back from work and the thing that greets you are just walls, well I think that's just sad. Don't care about the house, all I ask is a nice family, a couple of good kids, hopefully one is a boy, and a good wife, that's all I want. But with my current 'Casanova' skills, I doubt I'll ever be able to : /
That stupid auntie still won't crack. I kept trying to squeeze something out but she just won't slip up. I feel like giving it a rest already. But it just irks me to the core when I know there something that I don't know and yet I can't find out.
28/8
So bored of studying. I guess as the exam drags on, I find it hard to keep the momentum. It's really a pain in the ass when you've to revise all over again to prepare another part of the paper. Somemore the last papers are usually p1 and it makes you want to slack even more. This is going to be a bored entry so I'm just gonna put down whatever comes to my mind. Hmm...where to start. Well, since young I've always had sinus problem. My dad took me to see a specialist once. Doc said my nose tend to be partially block often, like one air passage will be blocked, not necessarily because of mucus, like the tissue flap inside will just cover up a bit. Not serious in any way. At first it used to bother me sometimes, like maybe a placebo effect where I feel that I can't breathe fully. But I think now I'm used to already, don't even notice it at all. But I do have sensitive nose, I can't stand dust. Whenever I tried to clear old dusty stuff, never fail to sneeze. And I realize if I don't get enough sleep the day before, most likely I'll be sneezing the next day. How serious will depend on how much sleep I lack. I really hate it, u know when u feel like shit after you nose keep running like an open tap. I'll be totally screwed if that happened during a level. Speaking of sneezing, I remember a couple of weeks ago that poopy face said maybe I should use a pad to absorb my mucus -.- that girl is always full of mischievous ideas. Then something came in to my mind regarding how to wipe mucus but I didn't tell her cuz my feline senses told me death awaits. I think it was in my seconday school when my friend suggested something since he saw me keep rubbing my nose to wipe mucus. He said maybe I should use a tampon. At first I didn't know what it was so I asked him. He said it's something like pad but it's like a small rod, so I can just stuff it inside my nose. That time all the weird and wild imaginations ran through my mind, but I kept it to myself and didn't ask any further. Ok poop face, I bet you're probably laughing off your tua kacheng right now. I'm really stumped on what's the difference between pad and tampon, seems like pad is a more favourite choice. So after you've read this maybe u can enlighten me? I can't bring myself to ask u personally because it's too embarrassing and it'll probably cost me all of my remaining lives. And don't start with your pervy ideas, it's purely for the sake of knowledge. Anyway, back to the point. I think exercise helps my sinus. When I started playing rugby at the start of the year last year, the problems went away. Maybe because I'm eating and sleeping well. I remembered then I was about 72-74kg. I was aiming to hit 80kg, so I kept stuffing myself. Every break I'll try to eat. Then usually at the end of training days, when I go to bed, as soon as I hit the pillow I would just knocked out. But one really weird thing was that I started to have cramps in the middle of the night!! I would like just wake up then a few seconds later the cramps followed. It's usually my right calf. I have no idea how u can have cramps when you're asleep, when your legs are inactive. Hmm cramps...err periods. Pity girls have to endure the pain every month. Glad I'm a guy, don't have to go through all these troublesome things. Stomach aches are already hard to bear, I think cramps are not much better seeing the girls often complain about it. And speaking of which, I read somewhere that there is such a thing called male menopause but not technically so to speak. Basically for guys after their 30s, our hormone level start to decrease by 1% each year. And by the time u hit 50s, you'll have less muscle bulk and more fats. Lower sex drive and energy. So in a way you'll start to feel differently about yourself because of the gradual decrease in hormone level. Anyway, hai...I find myself weak now. My weight dropped to about 65kg. Now I feel like I have no impact. Last time when I tackle, it was hit then straightaway down. Soild contact. Now I feel like I'm bouncing around. Always ends up using my forearm strength to pull the person down, or gets deflected so end up holding onto the leg like some dog. But now with the prelim and a level comling, I guess I'll be quite inactive so probably will gain a bit of weight, which is good in away I guess. Then after exams I can fully concentrate on toning my body and turn the accumulated fats into muscle.
29/8
Found out something yesterday. Shengda and Germaine broke up. He was telling how it all happened. The trigger was that when they were out together, he found out she was msging some guy. Then he asked her who u msging. Her reply was so natural like, oh just a girl friend from secondary school, or sth like that. Well the point is she lied through her teeth. But Shengda said things were already building up for some time. Firstly, she knowingly hangs out with guys who like her, even though he already made it clear to her that he wanted the line drawn. On the other hand, according to him, there were some girls who showed interest in him. But he did not care about them and ignored them, stayed devoted to her only. Secondly, he said her pmses were pretty bad. Her mood swings can get really extreme. Like she'll just be cold or give attitude when they went out together. And she needs to be treated like a queen. Well, that's what he said. Well I think truthfulness is very important, especially in a relationship. I guess what he said is right, if now she could already lie to u just like that, next time u won't know whether which ones that she says are lies and which ones are not. Trust is very fragile, it's like a piece of paper. After you've crushed it, no matter how hard u to try to straighten it out, there'll still be creases left. Then he was complaining why he can't have a nice girl without so much trouble one. Well, it didn't work out for him because he kenw that partly he became sian of the relationship. It's like the honeymoon period was over and things start to become mundane, most probably in trying to please her I guess. Then he dug up my past again and asked about me and kf. I said nothing lor, now we don't even talk now. Then he started to lecture me. He said it didn't work out for me because I no balls. I wasn't assertive, like don't dare to hold her hand or send her home. Well, I wouldn't say it's wrong. I knew that it didn't work out because of me. She expected someone more initiative and daring I guess. But on my defence I think it's too fast and I'm afraid that she might think it's too fast too, somemore it was my first time. This kind of thing is really hard for me to make a move. Confessing to her already felt like the hardest thing. When I thought of holding her hand I thought of my sweaty palm and how rough it is, I was afraid that she'll mind. I was afraid that I'd grab her hand too hard and hurt her because she's really boney. But in the end I realize it wouldn't have worked out anyway. We aren't compatible I guess, too many differences. Yl thinks she still likes me, but I don't dare commit myself again, or to anyone else for that matter. I really don't want to go through the whole pain again in the end. But still I know that I'll have to step out again some day. Just not right now. Anyway Shengda's one lasted quite short, just a couple of months I guess. Then the rest of the guys eventually gathered and everyone else knew about it too. Then suddenly for some reason everyone turned against me and say how are things between me and hx. I was a bit shocked, firstly because I didn't know that everyone had eyes on me and her. Secondly, everyone was spreading it around and getting interested. But I told them off saying there's nothing between me and her and to stop assuming and sprouting rumors. Hmm...maybe it seems that I'm getting a bit close with hx for rumors to start popping up. It might be because I was probing her on the guy she likes. I should keep a more distance away from her from now on. Anyway I give up on trying to find out who's the guy. She just wouldn't budge and I'm tired of it.
Find myself writing too much these days. Or because there are things to write these days. Either way it keeps me away from studying without my mom realizing because it's the only thing that I can do without her finding out.
Well, today's Teacher's day was a bummer. Less than half the class came. And it was a total waste of time, doing all the stupid dancing and stuff, though it was funny to see the teachers dance. I didn't dance, totally not me. The most I did was side step left and right cuz no choice or else people will hit me. Then we went hall for giving out teachers awards. Mr Oh won the most caring teacher award. Zhen Yuan bought a cake for the teachers. Nice of him, actually he's always so nice. And the cake was cute, made like a puppy. Oh and Mdm Low brought her baby along. He was so cute trying to blow out the candle. The whole thing became as if we were celebrating his birthday. I don't know...as the years go by, I find teachers' day to be less and less fun. It all seem so routine and maybe even a bit forced nowadays. I get that kind of vibe from the teachers as well. And I miss my secondary school friends. Long time never see the gang already. Fern called me to meet up but it's so far for me to go and my mom wants me to stay at home. Guess have to wait till after a level to catch up with them. I wonder how are fern, Peter, Joseph and Arun are doing.
Tab is organising class outing after prelim on Friday. But I'm not sure whether I can go cuz I might have tution on that day. But I really want to go out. Want to buy the cap, go swim, play putting at Eugene's house.
31/8

2010-08-27T12:50:00.001+08:00

Got back PR2 yesterday. My ranking point was only 41, and it's all thanks to the pw grade, else it'll be a lot lower. But the consolation was that I did passed chem after all, even though just barely. Think they rounded up my marks. Anyway nowadays I feel the urge to swim, it's good cardio workout. Improves your breathing and u don't feel the sweat sticking to your body. It literally tones your whole body. Last week, yl and I went to Eugene's house to supposedly study and swim, but end up I didn't even touch the notes that I brought to study. Anyway that stupid yl came late. He told me he fell asleep again. So Eugene and I went to the coffee shop and waited for yl. We started talking and I asked him about li yi. As usually he tried to avoid the question but he eventually told me. He said she was not interested, like he asked her out a few times and she kept saying busy, and when she eventually agreed it felt kinda forced so he didn't bother already. Then he turned the table and asked me about hx cuz he said we seem close. I told him there's nothing between us and that in fact she gives me the weird vibes. He was like, 'Yeah yeah!! I was trying to describe and that excatly hit the spot.' Seriously I don't like her character. She got like split personality and is self-centered. She has this facade to make friends so that she can make use of them for her interests later on. Anyway we reached Eugene's condo and we swam 10 laps. At first I wanted to swim 20 then go study while they go play tennis but they kept asking me to join them. In the end I gave in, felt so guilty afterwards, didn't even study. I picked up butterfly stroke that day but needs some polishing. I vaguely remembered when I was a kid I was half way through learning butterfly style but for some reason I stopped. I think butterfly is the nicest style. It's fast, graceful and aggressive, though yl and Eugene say mine looked violent :s

I feel so restricted nowadays. My mom just expects me to be couped up in my room and study all day long. Can't step out of the house without her ranting her usual chants. To put it metaphorically, my ears get fucked by her nagging all the time. I want to play golf. I want to play rugby. I still want to learn to play piano and drum, even though I'm musically retarded. I want to go play LAN. I want to start working and earn my keep and be independent. I want to train my body. I want to go Maldives for a holiday. Keep thinking about what my future holds. Maybe I'll work my ass off to start my own business, get married, have a son, little win :) raise him up properly to be a good person. Teach him sports, let him play rugby. Doesn't matter if he breaks a bone or two, as long as he's not a wuss and he enjoys it. Haha, thinking too much again. Prelim is coming, stressed again :(

31/7

Sheng Da arranged a rugby league match between the juniors and the seniors tomorrow. Looking forward to it. I want to test out the juniors, see how well they're doing and progressing. See whether got potential to retain the plates next year. I'm not going to go all out, and I think none of the seniors would too. We wouldn't want to end their season career prematurely nor our a level career. It'll just be a match to settle a bit of rugby hunger for the seniors to last till end of a level and self-assessment for the juniors, gauge their own playing standard for now. Quite excited. Can't wait to see how some of the potential players perform, like Darren, Ahmad, Wayne, Kaihirul (don't really know the spelling), Patrick and the rest. Oh and especially that Robert. He's got a hell lot of ego, keeping trying to show off his body even though he has nothing to show off about. Then kept taunting me that he'll own me when we play. So I'll just go a liiiittle bit harder on him. Just to help him keep his ego in check. But I'm surprised that fatty lee is going to play. I thought Germaine won't allow him to. I'm really worried about his knee.

Hmm...I don't know whether vjay and Bryan will use the pair of gloves that I passed down to them. It was supposedly my 'Glove of Death', named after the deadliness of its smell. It's due to the accumulation of sweat from the teammates and from all those that I played with. After a couple months of fermentation, it had this incomparable stench. Just a wiff of it is enough to shock your senses. Pity I wasn't able to deploy it. It was a double edged sword, it became ineffective when it affects your team as well. The foulness was unbearable for everyone. Haha, I still remember the reactions of tab and serene, supposedly the two smart aleck of the class, after they smelled the gloves. Tab was tricked by me :) I tricked her that it was washed and smelled nice, pretending to take a deep breath out of it just to reassure her. But in actual fact, I opened my mouth to make that sucking noise which deceived tab that I was taking a deep breath. She fell for it and took a whiff. Her reaction that followed was hilarious. Her face was all winced up, like she'd been hit by poop (hahahahahahahha, poopy face ^^). I wonder which was is in fact worse, being hit by poop or smelling my gloves? For serene's case it was just out curiosity. She knew it was smelly, but she didn't realise it was THAT smelly. At first she was trying to bring out the smell from the pouch, like trying the smell wine. When she couldn't smell it, she put in her nose a bit and almost immediately she flung away the pouch, it was like a reflex action. Like when u hand touches something very hot, you'll automatically pull your hand away. She was like, 'OMG!! IT'S FUCKING SMELLY!!! What u do with it?' Haha, I'm sure it's the most disgusting stench that they've ever sniffed.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I'll be fit enough for tomorrow's game. I hope I won't start panting like dog very fast into the game. As usual I don't think I'll sleep well tonight, will end up thinking how to to play tomorrow : /

2/8

Too tired and sick to write about the other day. Anyway, the game was fun. Though at first I thought we would have little time to play since Mr Sufian came down only at 5.30, but 1 hour was all we could manage. At the end we were all shagged out. Well, the j1s still lack the experience and some still lack balls. But I must say that they have huge potential. The forwards were solid in terms of physique. They have the size to dominate. They'll make a fine pack next year. As for backline, couldn't really tell since we played rugby league and there were no actual plays involved. But Patrick was particularly outstanding. The rumors were true, he could run and sidestep with ease. Confirm in the first team next year if he *touch wood* doesn't get seriously injured just before the season. I truely believe that they could challenge for the top 4 next year and surpass us. Well us, the seniors, tried to relive the glory by scoring tries easily.And we were reminded again that you don't play rugby to get fit, but u get fit to play rugby. But we've become people of the past. Gosh I feel so old and melancholic saying it, but it's true. The focus is on the j1s now and rightfully so. All we seniors can do is to give them moral support to push themselves and surpass us. Honestly, I think they'll give us a good trashing during the testimonial match after a levels. But it's ok, if they've really reached that far they deserve it, although it'll be very sucky for us to be the first batch to be beaten by the juniors : /

I've been sickly these couple of weeks. My nose keep running off like a broken tap and keep sneezing, as tab puts it like there is an automated pepper spray spraying into my face at regular intervals. And the class will always give me that look. I really hate the weather nowadays. It's either too hot and dry or too wet and cold. Or is it because my sinus problem is coming back due to lack of exercise.

5/8

Fought with my mom yesterday. She's like a slave driver, expects me to study all the time. The day before, I studied from 7 to 12.30 and after lunch I went to sleep till 2.30. And she made noise for that. I studied till 5.30 then watched tv till dinner time and went back to study again at 7.30. Then at 9 I stopped to warch tv and all the spraying began. Sh just went on and on and on. I watched the time. She nagged at me for about 50 minutes straight. She just wouldn't stop!! All the while I kept quiet. She thinks I don't put in enough effort and my study hours are still so short. So yesterday I showed her what really is no effort. I didn't study for the whole day just to despise her. At first I wanted to leave the house and go off to the beach or sth, just to escape her noise. She went all teary and the usual thing happened. She said she's not gonna nag anymore and only talk to me when necessary. Then she went out after that. We've had this kind of sessions so many times. But she still went back to her old habits soon after. So, I don't know how long this peace and quiet will last.

I feel so lost nowadays. Lack of motivation. Nowadays I feel like I'm not studying for the sake of my future. My parents give me so much pressure, constant nagging and reminders. Feels like I'm an investment, actually I am, they're so afraid that they won't get their returns and unable to brag or compete with other parents' children. I know their anxiety. For such a screwed up family with screwed up family bonding, screwed up spouse relationship, screwed up brothers, I stood out to be the promising one. The one that can be used to prove to everyone that they aren't such failed parents after all, that at least they can raise one proper son. This burden, sometimes I just feel like giving all up. I'm going into depression mode again. I feel so lost now that sometimes I just sit there staring at nothing, just letting time rot away. Totally no motivation to do anything. Heh, feels like that kf incident again. At first I thought I'd study hard cuz that's the only way we could be together, but now...whom do I strive for? I can't think of myself now cuz all I'll think about is escaping from this world. Maybe it's because I'm not rooted to my religion, or any religion for that matter. That's why I feel so lost and lack the preserverance. There's nothing for me to hold on to. Like at least Christians they pray to find strength, and like any other religion, there's at least something or someone to fall back on when everything seems to be tumbling down for you. I don't have any specific beliefs but now I pray to whoever or whatever that's out there, please lend me the strength to preservere, help me find the motivation to stay true to my goal and the courage to rise above all this. I make this prayer for everyone else too.

9/8

I'm pushed to take tution for the 3 H2 subjects. For math and physics, the tutor is my o level tutor. For chemistry is a lady that he recommended. I don't like the notion of taking tution at jc level, but it had come down to this since my results prove to be too sucky. Maybe with taking tution, I'll be kept busy doing work and my mom will have no reason to nag at me.

Well, I've been doing some cover work regarding hx for awhile now. She told me she likes some guy in jj but don't want to tell me or anyone else. I said it's ok, I won't force. But I'm super curious. What kind of guy would an auntie like her like? So I kept asking questions around the bush about the guy, hoping she'll slip up. But her lips are pretty tight. She keeps avoiding questions that will reveal too much. Never giving any discriptions. Always trying to ignore me whenever I try to ask questions about the guy. But all my efforts didn't go to waste. I manage to squeeze some things out of her. She said she didn't talk to him for quite long already, but don't want to say how long. She said one time that she thought they had mutual something...I couldn't make out what she said cuz half the time she mumbles, and she don't want to repeat. Then she thinks he don't like her and feels that he's trying to avoid her. But she said she's not going to approach him. I pulled all sorts of tricks but she's one tough nut to crack. Maybe I've missed out some of the important hints she gave. Well then can't blame her cuz I really suck at picking up hints. Girls are so complicated. I have a hunch, cuz she keeps drawing wu gui on my papers ever since I started probing around. Well the only logical relation that I can think of is wu gui = slow, maybe she's hinting that I'm slow at finding out who the guy is? Well it's just a hunch. I shall consult this with tab on how to make her spill it all out. I'm sure that poopy face has some tricks up her sleeves that might work.

12/8

The study break was boring as hell. It would have been worse if I didn't need to go for physics consultation. I hate being couped up at home. I've been wanting to buy this cap for quite a while now. It kept slipping through my mind but it came back when I was stoning sometimes during these few days. I don't know what it's called. It's those street gangsters wore during the 50's and 60's like in the Godfather. It's a cap where the front part of the cap overlaps the shade cover of the cap. I decided to get it after prelim. Maybe go town, that way got more choices and variety. Was texting with tab the other day and we ended up stumbling upon her so called 'animal farming' topic. That poopy face, always full of witty ideas. Invented a whole new relation of juggling and cracked balls. It just somehow brought back those painful memories. It's like a scar, a constant reminder of the pain felt that cannot be removed. If I ever fall for someone else again, I'd be a hell lot more hesitant than I was with kf. Totally lose confidence just by thinking back. And the fear of history repeating itself, the thought of going through the whole nightmare again, it'll be better off for me not to start a relationship in the first place. Fuck it's getting me down again. Ok ok, move on to something else. I think tomorrow's gp paper will have something about the topic on sports. Speaking of which, S'pore medal tally is at the bottom so far according to the newspaper. Honestly, S'pore is definitely not a country that you'll see exceptional athletes coming out. I think the whole government system just dampens aspirations. It puts too much emphasis on academic as the road to success, so much so that parents are drilled into this mindset that paper qualification is priority. I mean I can understand some of the reasons for the parents to be so hesitant. Like is a heavy and risky investment for the child, an injury might put a premature end to the child's sporting career. Asian athelets are really disadvantage compared to the Europeans due to the sheer difference in size. But I just think that investing in a sporting career is just as risky as an academic career. The child might be intellectually smart but not academically. And from my own experience, studying is definitely not an enjoyable experience, due to the sheer stress of tests and exams, as compared to training a sport that you love, even though it's intense and physically demanding. And size is not the determining factor for most sports I will say. No one can be big and fast at the same time. Well even for those parents who are daring and supportive enough for allow the child to follow his or her dreams, the most they can do is send them to sports school. And that's the root of the problem why S'pore is not achieving the medals even with the huge amount of investment put it. The fact that it's a school means you'll still have to study and go through the normal school curriculum of preparing for test and exams. As compared to other countries where the young athletes totally do away with books and just keep training every moment that they're awake, staying focused, putting in 100%. I mean what's the point of being Jack of all trades but master of none. Trying to achieve things at opposite poles will end up with u going nowhere. You'll just be stuck in the middle, neither here nor there. If S'pore athletes won medals, will porbably be more because of talent than hardwork. I don't think S'pore lacks talents. I think the mindset of the government and parents is what stifles these talents. Because at international levels, the athletes are more or less talented bunch of people. The win will probably be due to the small difference in talent, reinforced by the difference in the no. of training hours put in. With the whole hoo hah about yog, it's quite likely that the paper will concern sports. Hope it'll be some other teacher marking our paper, someone more rational and less picky.

18/8

2010-07-28T18:26:00.001+08:00

The sentosa outing was great. More than half the class went. We soaked in the sun and swam in the sea. We played ball and just chilled basically. Tab came later in the evening cuz her mom wanted her to study earlier on in the day. It was damn funny when she went inside the water and her shorts bubbled up. It seemed like she had a HUGE ass. I teased her about how she is really getting fat with that huge bum. I will never let that bimbo auntie hui xian to buy stuff. She just chucked chips inside the shopping basket and I ended up wasting money. I had to bring home a few packets cuz no one could finish. After that we went to Thai express for dinner. Actually no one wanted to go there but Jian lin kept sao jiao-ing. The food there was total rip off please. I had to pay $10 for one small plate of beef kuay teow, where I could get it at a kopitiam at less than half price. Oh, tab wore new funky earrings too. It was a long a shiny one, the funkiest one I've seen her wear so far. I kept pestering to shake her head to see the 'dangliness' of it. It was fun watching her say no with her head shaking, without her realising she's actually shaking her head. Then we went home riding the mrt, with a bit of camwhoring along the way. Had one of tab's classic constipated face captured on the phone. Finally, I'm no longer an epic fail organizer.
After a few days, my whole body had the skin peeling off. It was quite a new experience. I've never experienced so much peeling beofore. On the bright side, my body now has a nicer tan. It used to be that my upper body had different colour tones but now it's more even.
Chatted with tab throughout the whole holiday and sometimes a bit with hx. It's really fun and interesting to chat with tab, though she often complains about how bad her mom and her siblings are but I don't mind, I can relate to it sometimes and besides I owe it to her for letting me confide in her about kf. We talked about things like period and menopause to having a family and stuffs. We'd just debate about different perspectives and tease each other along the way.
I've been studying quite a bit during this holiday, especially for chem. I hope it'll reflect on my results for this common test. A few days ago I dreamed about kf. It was sort of a bad dream. I don't really think of her nowadays and yet she still pops up in my dream. I don't know how to take it. Is it suppose to be a sign or an omen of some sort? Hai...I'm pathetic.
25/6
Finally chem is over! I hope I don't screw it up badly. I think the paper is manageable but I don't dare hope for anything for now. Talked with Robert a couple of days ago. He had a past experience too. He cheated on his gf and now he's regretting. It's been already more than two months after he broke up with her and now he wants to patch things up again, but he just doesn't know how to start. I told him what I feel about it. Is that you should just go for it and just give it a try because u have nothing to lose and if you really want it. Things would have already calmed down by now too. Then he told me things like what they did when they're together and how he cheated kisses from her. It struck me that I was a total failure. There were many things that I could've done to not let kf feel that I was a lousy bf. Robert told me that he got like 3000+ msgs over the course of 3 months relationship with her. That's like an average of 1000 msgs a month, which means at least 250 msgs a week. I think during the one week when we were together, I msged her like less than 20 times. Then again I now know that it wouldn't have work out in the end so doesn't really matter.
29/6
Common test is over! Physics was actually easy, just that I didn't study for it. After the test some of us went to play pool; me, tab, Jaystine, yl, kf, Zhen yuan, guan ting. Jaystine is really good but not surprising since she got that ah lian look. After pool, we hanged around in the shopping center cuz it was pouring outside. We went to this pet shop and looked at all the furry animals. They've got rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters. They're all so cute. I'll get one when I'm living alone. Then the rain didn't stop so tab's mother decided to pick her up and at the same time send us to mrt. Now I know where tab got her genes from. She really takes after her mom. They were both shooting at each other in the car. Didn't really noticed it until Zhen yuan brought it up. On the way home, we parted ways at je mrt and I ended up with kf. It was a really awkward situation. Both of us didn't talk at all. On my part, I didn't even try to talk to her. I chose not to. Looks like both of us are just used to the silence and distance between us. When the train reached the station I just said bye to her and got off. I feel like there is really nothing for us to talk anymore.
2/7
Went to school to play touch on Saturday. There were only seniors, all the j2s didn't come down so I was a bit left out. And plus the pouring rain didn't help at all. I ended up playing for like an hour becuase I had to rush down to meet hx. That auntie super fail, ended up yl and Nwe Nwe coming late. Plus she got really angry for me not knowing my place around. Must have been pms. Seriously that incident gave me the creeps again. It's like her character totally changed. Not the usual soft spoken, blur hx and I'm really scared of such people. It's very hard to predict and react to it. Anyway, we stayed at kbox till like 6+ and sang throughout. I didn't really sing much, it was usually hx holding one of the mics and the rest of us took turns when it's the song that we like. They kept making fun of the way I sang. Said like it's very low and monotone. Can't help it, anyway I did tell them from the start that my singing was good. That outing burnt a hole in my wallet. Plus I bought a new ear piece. It's good warranty so I can rest my mind for the next 2 years. Then we ended up eating carl's jr.
5/7
Got back some of the common test marks today. Did badly for my gp, but it's same for everyone else. Even tab failed, the supposedly most profecient one in english in the class. Then got C for Econ and E for math. I could accept the marks for Econ since I didn't finish on time and rushed the 2nd essay. But for math I thought I would do better. Must have been a lot of careless mistakes. But poor Nwe Nwe, her spirit really went down. She barely just passed. She said she studied for it. And somemore people whom she thought won't do well actually did a lot better than her, like Eugene, kf and jl. But she's most particular about jl. She said he affected her badly. She wanted to tell me about it at first then decided not to. Actually I'm quite surprised too. When everyone asked jl whether he has started revising for common test, he kept saying no and things like no mood. I even tried to talk sense into him thinking that he hasn't gotten over kf. Looks like he had everyone fooled, including me. He did well for math. Got B for it and think same for econs too. This is really worrying. I'm starting to think jl is a hypocrite, the type that make people let down their guards and then step over them. He succeeded this time round. Honestly, math is not something that u can smoke through and score, u have to have enough practice for it. Which obviously tells us that he actually had been studying for it, unlike what he had made us believe. It just make me feel like a stupid, worrying over him for nothing.
7/7
Been a long time since I wrote. Got a lot of school work, can't really find the time to reflect. Hmm...where to start. Well, I did badly for my CT. Failed chem, physics and gp. Stillmust work harder. When school reopened, there was this incident where jl randomly said that he miss tab. Then from there I kept teasing her about how maybe jl likes her. Then I asked her how she'll rate him as, and it was somewhere between an ikan bilis and a trout. So I suggest eel and it sort of become a code name. Anyway it went on for like a week, where I kept teasing her about it, trying to create scenarios and getting her paranoid. And she'd always make that face. I had my doubts about the whole thing because it seemed quite far fetched for the jl to like her and tab was hell bent on rejecting him straight. But I didn't probe around since I don't want to kay poh and it was fun teasing tab. Then that week when we got back our math results Nwe Nwe was quite upset. She wanted to tell me sth but later decided not to. She just mentioned that jl did sth that affected her that's why her math result was bad. Then at the end of the week when I asked her, she told me that jl confessed to her. But somehow it seemed that jl got the wrong idea from her reply and she felt bad and was afffected by it. Then coincidently, tab told me the next day that she know eel doesn't like her. Then she blew her top thinking I'm some sadist trying to use her for my own amusement by letting it go on when I knew that jl doesn't like her. But in actual case I, myself, only confirmed about it the day the before from Nwe Nwe. Luckily, she managed to calm her self down. That stupid girl, made me feel so gulity about it. Haha, but I didn't know I had such a brainwashing effect on her :) Anyway, I coined a new name for the constipated face that tab likes to make- poopy face. Cute name and somehow got link. We argued about the name and serene unintentionally said it's the face that you wouldn't make but in your mind instead, and needless to say it made me the winner of the argument. So the name stands and I've been calling her by that oftenly and she'll always make that little face of hers.
Ms Kim came to jj the other day. She was trying to promote her muffins. She just set up a bakery shop recently and now she's trying to get some customers. I bought her muffins and tried them. Not bad, I especially like the orange white choc flavour. The taste is mild but the smell and taste had a lingering effect. Well, tab has been practicing really hard for some big musical contest or sth. It must be a really huge event since tab told me that u have to go for an audition for the audition, personally I think it's just absurd. But it seems really important to her. Whenever there's a break, she'll just try to go practice in one of the lts. Sometimes she even skip eating just to squeeze in some practice time. It'll be a shame if she didn't get selected.
24/7
Tab told me there was a bit of cock up in the submission of her piano video. She didn't have the perfect performance that she wanted to have. She was also discouraged after she saw the past year submissions where some of the contestants were young kids. She felt like she didn't stand a chance. I tried to console and cheer her up but I think it didn't really work. If I were in her shoe, I'll feel very sucky too, realizing that even after so much hardwork has been put in, there are still a lot more people who are much better and talented than me, no amount of consoling will work. It's always a struggle, be it to become a muscian or athlete. Well there's nothing I can do for her anyway : /
Been thinking about it now, ever since after I've talked with dad. I thought of a rough plan on what I want to do for my future, at least like 10 years down the road. I'll get my ass into uni, hopefully to mechanical engineering course. After that get a job and save up for like 10 years then set up my own company. The best way to be rich and live comfortable are you reture is to be your own boss. You'll never get anywhere if you're just a salaryman. Besides if I need advice on how to be a businessman, I've got my dad who's good at that. He can give me a lot of advices.
25/7

2010-06-13T14:07:00.003+08:00

Finally dad left. Was a torture when he was around. Always asking this asking that, giving me a lot of pressure. These days in school aren't much better also. Everytime I see her, the pain just comes back. And sometimes my eyes just seem to look at her. She still look so beautiful to me. Then a couple days ago she msged me, tried to console me and said she didn't regret starting the relationship. That time I wanted to say things in her face but I held back. Should be smarter about it. Bullshit. U totally regretted it, or else why would u initiate it so quickly. And u said I was avoiding u. Who's avoiding who in the first place? Everytime in the morning u would purposely sit at the other table. Isn't that obvious enough? U said we'll still be great friends no matter what. Guess it's easier said than done. I still don't understand. Even before we started, I thought yang Jun asked u to think carefully. It's not like u don't know I'm like that, slow and stupid. And I thought after that event with Jian lin I thought you'll be wiser and more sure.
U said I don't understand u. BECAUSE THERE WASN'T EVEN A FRIGGING ENOUGH TIME. One week and u suddenly started telling me u feel uncomfortable. And do u think it's fair to say that I don't bother to know u? U didn't open up to me at all. Do u think I'm psychic? Everytime when u have sth to say, u always find yl or yj. How the hell am I suppose to know what u feel when u don't even take me as someone close. That's why I thought of saying maybe the guy for u is yl. I'm sure he knows a lot about u. Now I'm starting to realise that maybe u are no better than hx, or even worse. At least she just flirts around and sometimes gives wrong signals. But she doesn't break anyone's heart, like u did to the two of us. U play with people's feelings. U don't dare to say the truth and like to avoid. Do u know how it feels to know that u hid things from me and I had to find out about the reasons from someone, who was kind enough btw to take pity on my pathetic situation and help me. I feel like a fucking loser. If u had told me from the start I wouldn't have to suffer so much. Now it's like a second blow, just when I thought I was starting to get over it. I guess I'll never get over it, at least not when I'm still seeing u around...still so beautiful. I tried looking at other girls, tried to ogle, like what some of the ruggers suggested but it doesn't help at all. I'm tired, tired and afraid to fall for someone else again. But I can't deny my feelings towards u, it has never change all the while. As much as I want to, I still can't forget the times from when we first chatted at ECP. Somtimes I wish it'll happen like in the dramas where I had a car accident or sth then I can't remember anything about u only. Hai...why did fall for the wrong girl? When will this suffering end?

26/4

The ruggers bashed me on Monday. Mr Sufian also tricked me. At first the guys wanted to do the usual tearing of underwear but he came in and said "U all know his situation right...the mother don't like him playing rugby and u all tear his underwear and when he go home and his mother finds out, she'll have a even worse impression of u all..." I thought I was saved but then what he said next was "...so u all just ham tam him lah" Then it began, the ruggers all gang up on me and started slapping me around. Then they pulled down my boxers and all take turn slapping my bare bum. I especially remembered fatty lee, he pinned me down and slapped me all the way while singing happy birthday. Sigh...what goes around comes around. It was also nice of Shu Han to give me a small chocolate...erm I don't know how to call it....let's just say small chocolate cake. Come to think of it, the class didn't celebrate anything after the BBQ for Jan babies I think. I hope the coming class outing for talent time will pull each of us a bit closer. Seems like the class is getting very segregated. Speaking of class dynamics, today I filled Jaystine on some of the class politics. I'm comfortable talking with her, maybe cuz she's not like other normal girls. A bit towards tomboyish so easier for me to converse I guess. Haha. I like became her spy. Told her about the two girl cliques and my take about hui xian. I can't believe she thought I like hx. Maybe kf was right, I might be getting too close with her. But what the hell, she still don't know what type of person I am. Hai...I didn't tell Jaystine about me and kf. Not sure if it's right for me to tell her. But if she started to observe things and come asking me about it, then guess I'll just have to explain it to her. Hmm...somehow I feel Jaystine and I are similar in character, except me being slow and stupid. And she's more mature than our class girls. Think she can enlighten me a thing or two about the mystery of girls. I'm such a loser :/

28/4

Tomorrow's the semi. I really want to score a try. Last season I scored 2 tries, though it might be a bit cheap. Went to watch kickass with yl and jl on Saturday. Not bad. That 12 years old girl owns. Think I've seen her in some other movie before. And she looks like that boy in home alone. After the movie we went to botak jones. Honestly I think it's overrated. The food isn't that good. The burger was full of oil. Then we lepak for a while then went home. Yl seems like keep wanting to have a gf. Keeps whining about not having someone beside and gets very bored. Some how, I don't share the same sentiment. I mean u don't just go for someone just for the sake of having a gf. You have to have feelings, that attraction for each other. That way both will be committed to the relationship. Or else, if one party is just going along for the ride, just for play play, it's not fair to the other person. Yl told me kf thinks I like someone else. That stupid girl, I thought I already made it clear to her that there's nth between me and hx. I don't get it, I thought we're through, this kind of thing shouldn't be a concern to her. Anyway, I should enjoy the benefits of being single. I should look at more girls and find a distraction, cuz seriously I need someone who can accept me for who I am and kf can't. So I should stop dwelling on it and let this while thing go. Thinking back, it's all messed up. According to yl, she from start already have this thought that the relationship will not last. That's where it's screwed up. For me, if I were to start a relationship, I'll put in all my effort and hope that it'll last, eventually till I decide to spend my life with that girl. Hai...don't care, don't bother. That's the way it's going and I think it should.

3/5

We're in the plate finals :D Finally we're making our way to our goal. Just one more match to earn our glory. I can almost feel it. It's time to take back what's rightfully ours. No complacency though. Just one more time to give it all out. The semi against cj was great, especially for the forwards. I'm happy that Sheng Da came in. Felt just like old times. Now our team is really complete. We stick tight for each other and scored 3 tries. Finally forwards score tries. Backline scored one. Then I received a match ball for playing well :) Good thing Jaystine didn't affect my game. I just blocked everything out when I'm playing. I can't believe it. Am I that easy to read? She stalked me on facebook and just like that figured out whom I like. I think she's waiting to catch me off guard again and make me spill everything out. I really don't know what to say to her, which part to say and which part to leave out. I feel like just telling everything, the whole damn thing, from my perspective. Sian, I'm sure it's gonna hurt like hell again. This pain, it's not the first time that I'm feeling it, but it just doesn't go away. Maybe Delwin was right, nowadays it's the girls who are playing the boys and not the other way round. Wish that I'll find a more suitable girl next time, if I ever fall for someone again that is.

5/5

Yesterday's talent time was fucked up. I should've gone with the ruggers. I didn't want to go with the class because I know I might not be able to take it. But seeing pei ling go through all the trouble to organise and make banners and stuff, I couldn't bear to disappoint her. Looks like I still can't control myself. Seeing her in school was bad enough, seeing her again outside it's just too overwhelming. It just keep reminding me of my failures, of how much of a fucking loser I am. Everytime that sudden eye contact, always feel a pinch on my heart. It just feels fucking shitty when the girl u love say that you make her feel uncomfortable. I'm angry and disappointed in myself. Why can't I get over it? It just became worse these few days. Why can't I just let go of the whole damn thing? Hai...I really miss talking to her. But what can I do? I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable and I have to have self-respect. I wish I get another concussion during the match and forget about the whole thing. Well, the good news is that the j1 ruggers did well, not only did they win the group catergory, they won the overall champion also. Proud of them. I think this is the year, the year where everything comes full circle for the rugby team. We achieved quite a good recognition.The team is now together, complete. I feel that the team, especially the forwards, is tight and bonded than ever before. Feel like we can really do this together. There's no fallen brother also. All we have to do is win the plates and we shall bath in full glory.

8/5

Finally, PLATE CHAMPS! But it did come with a price. Timo was knocked out cold. Scared the shit out of the forwards. He didn't move for a few minutes. I thought he was going to die. He just stared blankly at us the whole time. The look of his face, as if he was asking "Where were you guys?". Sorry bro, I should have been there for u. When the match ended, everyone was overjoyed. But I was really worried for Timo, felt that the medal or plate doesn't matter as much as how's Timo now. Kf came down for the match with tab. I don't know why she wanted to come down. All along, she did not come down for any match. Managed to msged her a bit that night. Some how, it released a bit of tension between us I guess. But that doesn't really change anything. Xu Xun and yl tell me that they think she still likes me. So what, I'm in no position to do anything. She's the one who started and ended it. It's just inappropriate for me to ask for things to start all over again. Talked with Jaystine on Friday. I promised her that I'll explain to her and I guess she's really kay poh too. Couldn't really slip my way out. I was surprised that jl was also her 'wou di'. But she didn't know the girl was in fact kf. I'm starting to wonder if telling Jaystine about kf and jl incident was the right thing. Now my mind is telling me kf is not worth it, but in the corner my heart there's this small hope for clinging on, not to give up on her and myself. Seems like I'm under some kind of spell.

15/5

Had been stuffing myself lately. Had Seoul Garden on Saturday and went congqing last night. Was fun hanging out with the ruggers. On Saturday, that stupid Lucas said meet at 2 at somerset. But the damn thing dragged till 5+ cuz change of plan to have dinner together with mr sufian. Haha shazwan got kena owned. Mr sufian came up with a challenge to induce excitement. Me, bob, Javier, shazwan, xp and ren hao were supposed to finish 8 scoops of ice cream and see who finish last. The last person would have to surrender his handphone and we can send any one message to anyone. Shazwan came in last and bob the mastermind does what he does best. He msged to the girl shazwan like that, "Hey long time no talk, u know I always think of u when I masturbate." OWNED. Well the girl replied, "WTF IS YR PROBLEM". Poor shazwan, should've known not to play with the forwards. Then after dinner we went to She Sha (don't really know how to spell). It's the pipe thingy that u smoke with, not like cigarrette, got flavours like apple and coke. I took a puff just to try out, I swear that damn thing smelled like Bygone, that pest spray smell.

18/5

I've finally opened my eyes. All the while for some reason I couldn't. But after what happened for the past few days, I could finally pull my self up. She and Delwin were getting really flirty and they're doing it right in the middle of the class. Like 2 shameless couple. No matter how u treated me, played with my feelings, took me for granted, I could stand it. But not this type of behaviour, worse with a guy who's attached, that's where u crossed the line. Even though we're not together, it just shows your lack of faithfulness and your true character, this I can't stand one bit. Maybe because I'm influenced by the fact that my dad cheated on my mom. I promised myself that I won't follow his footsteps. By doing all this in front of the class, it just shows that u have utter disregard for me, everyone else and self-respect. You're no longer beautiful to me, scary in fact. I can never look at u the same way as I did before. What really triggered me was that when Delwin touched your hand, u didn't even react. Seemed so happy when he's around. Just shows how loose u are. Well, u can't hurt me anymore and I won't shed any more tears because of u. I've finally cut my self away from u. I stayed true to my words till the end. I told u, like what we've agreed, that though I did not fall for someone else, my feelings for u have changed. So do whatever u want, don't put me in the picture. I'll just take it as an experience. Then later in the evening yl came telling me that you're very sad. I can see your motive but I really can't be bothered with u anymore. I'm just happy that I don't care about u anymore. You're the one to walk out on me first. Now I'm just moving on. I finally agree that we're not meant for each other. Thank god I finally realised it. I don't have to make myself feel miserable anymore. Now I think I can finally reorganize my life, work hard for A level. Actually somehow I've to thank Delwin, if he didn't played with her, think I'll never get over her in the first place. My close friends were supportive of me, especially tab, appreciate them. But I don't know how they'll look at kf also. Falling for a girl is really scary, I think I'm too afraid to fall for someone else again.

22/5

We talked last night. I thought I could lie to myself but who am I kidding. All the same feelings came back again just like that. Seems like we've been going in circle, trying to chase each other's tail. We've agreed to wait for each other till after A level. She told me she was waiting all along. Not going to give up, screw everyone else. I'll fight.

25/5

Kf and Delwin are not so close as before. But it still irks me to see him make physical contact with her and being cheeky. Can't stand it. The incident during the math lecture still bothers me. I asked kf about it but she totally don't remember that it happened. I even told her it happened right in front of me. But I trust kf, I know she won't go overboard. Hai, wish I could spend some time with kf before I go into mugging during June holiday. At first I wanted to ask her can study with me after school tomorrow cuz there's the AGM BBQ and I don't want to waste my time with the ruggers. But then today she said she's eating sushi with serene. Sian, I really want to spend some time with her and talk a bit. I don't really like the way things are going between us. We still don't really talk to each other. I get the feeling that she still avoids me.

26/5

She screwed up my mind again. Told me her feelings have changed. Can't say that I'm surprised. But that was fast. Tab told me that she told her that she still liked me, in this week. Some how I'm not distraughted by it. It's just a dull, numb feeling now. Like a sian and disappointed feeling. Now I know, her words can never be taken seriously. Even before that I've this feeling that she wants me to hang around, to have at least someone to fall back on. But maybe she felt guilty of it and finally decided to come clean. I'm not going to be too nice to a girl ever unless I feel that she appreciates me. Speaking of which, Tab is really worked up over my situation. She kept telling it's fucked up and I'm deluded. She's right but I couldn't help myself. But now that she has already made it clear, all the more I'm able to move on. Tab has been good to me, kept trying to talk sense into me. I don't know what she feels about me but I think she's a good girl. Just a bit kiddish sometimes.

28/5

Learned a bit more about kf from Nwe Nwe. She did the same thing to jl as she did to me. She wanted to check on things whether jl has fallen for Nwe Nwe. She also asked me about the relationship between me and hx. Seems to me that she wants both of us to be like slaves for her, don't want us to get over her and keep at her disposal. Scary. Now I know why love can become hate. Fucking regret everything now. Hai...then there this Xiang hui and qian ting. I don't really know the whole story but from what I've gathered and observed. Xiang hui is an ungrateful bastard. I'm very disappointed in him. I sort of saw it coming. I should have told qian ting about it but I didn't want to be extra and go between their relationship. That stupid Xiang hui. Kept telling him to be faithful. I wish I had a girl like qian ting. She's a really good girl and she really loved him, even said that she already treat her as her husband. Why is it always like this? Why is it always so fucked up? Always one person will put in their effort into the relationship while the other just don't give a fuck. The only blissful couples I've seen so far is hendy's, lucas's and gary's. I really envy them. They've already like found their soulmate.

1/6

Seems like I don't have much to write or want to write since kf is already out of my mind. Hmm...where shall I start? Xiang Hui is really with that girl now. Wanted to talk to him but they're always together and Sheng da is right, what's the point. Speaking of which, I'm happy for fatty lee. Seems like he's really enjoying with the girl. Oh and for Guan ting also. He and that Shirley debate girl are together now. Tried to play the piano on Thursday, looks like an impossible task. I can't even go past the first few notes. Tab is going to be happy about it. That girl keep trying to put me in awkward position and we kept talking about some awkward issues, like pms and penises -.- imagine that. The other day when I was asking for the date for the sentosa outing, she said she prefer after week 2. After further clarification, she said she'll be having her period, with much mischief of course. Then during physics lecture we ended up talking about lesbians and gays and what not. Oh there's a really a different mentality between guys and girls when it comes to chest. For guys we don't mind people touching/poking at our chest, even it's a another guy as long as there's no perversion intended. But for girls it's totally different. According to tab, she gave the relation of a girl touching another girl's boobs is like a guy touching another guy's dick. Looks like the chest is also considered as a very private area for girls, even between each other. This girl ah, can be very cheeky. Full of mischief.

5/6

Been going to school to study. Looks like I'm way behind the schedule that I intended to follow. I realised that I've develop this habit of stoning. I think ever since I fell for kf, I've been doing that. It usually happened like this. I usually sit at the 2nd or last row during lessons and surprisingly, most of the time she's always directly in front of me or along my line of sight to the visualiser screen. My eyes would just be fixed onto her sometimes. Just admiring her back and her hair, what kind of hairband or headband she's wearing, without knowingly. Thinking back, actually it's quite stupid of me. But then again, people do stupid things when they're in love. My deluded times. Tab and I have been msging each other a lot now, almost like every day. That girl is really fun to talk with. We had quite a few jostle and when things seems to be at a losing end for her, she would just use about my bad experience to counter it, which is of course unfair. She knows too well about my weakness. We also argued about who has a more pervertic mind. Haha, can't believe she could relate menses to what goes on in the bedroom, the all too familiar phrase that the wives would say to their husbands when she don't want to do, 'honey, not tonight'. Maybe she had already thought of such scenario with her future husband ^^ Oh, and there's this 'not so good quality' salmon also. I'll interrogate her about it when she comes for the outing.

10/6

2010-04-12T19:06:00.003+08:00

I really don't know what that girl is thinking. Wish I can just read her mind. I feel like my emotions are being played around. Still, I'm helpless yet so willing. I also don't understand myself. It's like part of my soul is already with her. Why did I fall head over heels for a girl? I feel that my pride and dignity are stripped off me, to let a girl get away with whatever she wants. But I've never felt so selfless yet pathetic at the same time. Somehow I feel that I'll be caging her if she's with me. She deserves to be free, be happy with her friends. I might be overwhelming her also, but it's because if I love sth I'll put my heart and soul into it. Time to suppress my feelings again. There's still about 9 months to go, and either of our feelings might change. But I doubt it'll be me. By then, I hope she either realise how it feels to like someone and yet trapped in the 'friend zone', or that she's fickle-minded and have commitment phobia. She always kept me hanging, always neither here nor there. It's easy for her to just say I don't know. I don't know how to pull myself up from here. Well at least I'm getting used to the pain, it doesn't hurt like the first time and I don't think of stupid thoughts. I just don't get it, if u really like someone, u would want to be with that person. Other commitments like studies and friends would just integrate into their world, leaving them to comprise it with each other without losing their priorities. Maybe she just doesn't have the same sentiment as me. But I'm still hopeful. This might be the true test between us, whether we're really meant for each other. Time will give us the answer, so we'll just have to wait and see.

13/2

Found a comment on a quote by Haiman on facebook. The quote is 'You don't just stop loving someone, either u never did or u always will'. So true. I'm not angry with you. It's not because I have no temper. It's because I love u. I don't cry over this. It's not because I have no tears. It's because I love u.

14/2

Been thinking about it. Maybe kf thinks we won't last cuz I might not stick around in sg. Then I'll just have to study hard to get into the uni. Cant lose her. Hmm...I feel that I'm no longer as strong as I used to be physically. I find myself not crashing and tackling hard, like I used to. Maybe it's because of my weight loss. That depression period really had a toll on my body. Like Mr Sufian said, I'm the smallest forward in the pack. It sucks when you're body becomes the limitation instead of ur mentality. Somehow I get the feeling that I'll be out during the season. I'm worried for the team, if I go out Nick won't do well. He'll be pressured by the forwards to perform and he's not strong mentally. I'll see if I can catch Wenna and ask for her help, if she doesn't motivate him I don't know what else will. Seriously, he's a lot stronger than me physically. But he just lacks the balls. I hope the forward can get their game together after Wednesday. Especially the scrum. I don't know whether she'll want to watch the match this Thursday. If she were to watch, it'll really motivate me. But I doubt she will. Besides, she might worry for me but I doubt so also. Oh, there's about Javier also. Didn't know he's clingy like me also. Thought he was horny and just desperate for girls. Wish him well with cat.

15/2

CNY was a dread. Nth to do, stayed at home to rot. Cannot go out and collect ang bao, really envy my friends. Extra cash could really help me in paying for the jersery. Mom cooked some good food but that's about it. Been about 10 years that I've not had tuan yuan dinner. Really miss it. Kf and I are now back to squre one, like from the beginning as friends. Think I'm doing ok in supressing myself but I don't know if I could keep it up for the rest of the year without affecting myself so much. Oh, today saw Farhan and Javier with their new haircut. They look damn aggro when they don't smile. I'm cutting mine this weekend :) A disheartening thing happened today also. Serene got pissed when Tabitha cracked an egg on her head as a birthday bash. She just ignored everyone and went home after cleaning herself. I don't know what's wrong with her today. Birthday don't want to celebrate. Where got people like that one. Maybe she's having PMS and speaking of which, I leant more about girls. Hui Xian surprised me today. Didn't know she's so open. She complained about stomach cramps because of menses and I was like O.O then she also said cannot drink cold drinks during this period cuz cramps will get worse (noted). Anyway back to the topic, I think serene made too much of a fuss. She doesn't appreciate or maybe she didn't understand and see the effort Tabitha put in for her birthday.
She went through all the trouble of baking a cake for her just because she's sick of eating cheap cakes. I would've kissed Tab for that if I were serene. Then she also thought of ideas for the bash for fun. And besides, bashes are never voluntary so I don't understand why she made a big fuss out of it. But I think everything will be fine tomorrow, serene is like a firework- fizzle out very fast. They be laughing together again by tomorrow. Well that's is for now, excited about the match tomorrow.

17/2

Had the match against HC. They were not even close to the standard I thought. Mr Sufian bluffed us all. I had my first try of the year. The unbelievable thing was that it was excatly from the same spot, the same way and against the same school. Broke through against 2 fat asses and tried. Sort of relived the moment :) Kf didn't come school yesterday. She had diarrhoea then fever set in. Missed seeing her and worried for her. I feel like we're bluffing each other, well at least for me. It feels akward to behave as friends again after what we've been through. And she's putting me in a difficult position. Most of the people think we're still together and I have the urge to tell them the real situation. But what if she thought that I'm going around telling everyone and making her look bad? Well, if she understood me she'll know I'm not that type of person. I just prefer things to be clear. Gonna cut botak tomorrow :)

20/2

不配. That's how u felt actually. Just found out yesterday from someone. Well if that was how u felt, why didn't u tell me frankly. Studies and crap, totally bullshit. Honestly, you'll still be lazy and stubborn even if you're not in a relationship. (You're the one who set it up. You're the one to make it stop. I'm the one who's feeling lost right now. Now u want me to forget every little thing u said.) So I'm still not good enough. I don't know what's wrong, you're so hard to understand. I don't think I forced u into relationship. U were the one wanted it in the first place. Heck I might even be the hesitant one instead. Yj asked u to think carefully before answering me, and I thought u've really thought about it before agreeing to me. Now I feel like a lab mouse, used for ur own curious experiment. 不配, it's not like u don't know what kind of person I am. I just don't understand why u only thought of it now, about my flaws and things u cannot tolerate, after we've gone into a 'realtionship' (maybe to u it might just be a trial period). But I'm not really surprised that this would happen. From that day that u asked me whether I'll worry that the same thing would happen to me as jl's case, I told myself okay, this might not last so I should treasure every moment of it. I didn't hold off my feelings for u. Now thinking back, maybe I should've held off some. But I still love u and think about u all the time. And because of that I'll wear this mask for u. I'll never take it off in front of u. As long as ur happy with it, it's good enough for me. Nothing else matters.

23/2

Can't take it anymore, it's becoming the same thing like last year. I feel that our relationship is no longer like mother and son. Now it's more like guard and prisoner. She's just finding fault with me and pressuring me all the time. All she wants is for me to just stay at home and study. Home is no longer a home to me, just a place of confinement now. No matter what I do, it's never enough for her. Why can't she just accept me as her son and stop imposing me as someone else. Am I not good enough for you? It's like whenever I come back home, I feel so tired. It's like the place itself and her just drain away my energy. I wish I could just shut her up. Hai...then that kf...I don't know why my heart is still stuck with her. I don't know what's so good about her and yet I just can't seem to help myself from getting over her. Life sucks, good thing I still have rugby, or else it'll even be suckier.

27/2

Read your blog, u said I've changed so rapidly and suddenly. Well, I'd say yours was more rapid and sudden. U were the one who wanted to be just friends again. Of course we can't be as close as we were as last time anymore. Besides I'm glad that u don't care anymore. Makes me feel more at ease.
Stranger eh, maybe it's good. I won't be a distraction to u.

30/2

I really have the urge to let out how I feel, but I know I must suppress it for you, even if it cause u to misunderstand me. Anyway, today's heats were great. But I must say the j2 discus could have done better. For the 100m, it was surprising that hendy lost to haiman. But still banni clinched 2 2nd placings so not to worry too much we're still consistent. Then there's that china guy from rono, damn fast. As fast or maybe even faster than hendy. He beat kin Onn in last year 100m finals. But hendy didn't disappoint, he came in first for 400m with relative ease. But the most encouraging thing was that both banni girls and boys did very well for 1500m. Truly epic. The first few spots were clinched by banni. Tomorrow's my event, javalin. My right arm has already recovered so no excuse. Aiming for a perfect score--16 points. I want my glory. So far I've not seen anyone who can throw as far as me and consistently other than well, of course g.o.d himself (seriously he throws lightning bolts to smite people, javalin is piece of cake ^ ^ haha). But something that bothers me is the using of boots for tug of war. It just doesn't seem to have the spirit of fairplay to me.

1/3

Didn't reply anything after I sent u MSG. Maybe u just want to ignore me. Maybe u just don't want to talk about it with me. I don't know what's the reason behind it but I'll play along with u. My mask against...yours perhaps? Hmm...season's coming. j1s are learning up reasonably well I would say. Darren got praised by Mr Sufian. I knew he has the potential. He reminds me of my early times in jj rugby. But without the kao peh skills of course, but he like kao peh me only. Haha. I felt bad and mean when I purposely targetted him for the crash. Should not abuse my power next time, besides I think he has learnt his lesson ;) Sports heat tomorrow. Pressure from Lucas but I will not falter.

3/3

Arrrggg, couldn't get a perfect score for javalin. Couldn't believe I got distracted so easily. But why must u come and watch? Thinking of u just make my heart sink. I just become weak under ur glare. That last throw I couldn't even draw strength. And now everyone is saying that I've changed. Just because I seem more carefree and open and a bit agressive. Believe me I wish that I don't have to put up this act and just be emo and seclude myself from everyone. But like I said to jl, since you're going to suffer either way there's no point dragging other people along to suffer with u, and besides I shall be the only one to suffer. It's so hard for me to react accordingly when you're being so misleading in the way u treat me. It's obvious that u avoid being close to me, didn't reply my MSG, and yet sometimes u make fun of me like u used to and show that u cared about me. I'm just totally lost. I'm a fool who's played by you over and over again. Hai...anyway yesterday tab run for 200m as a replacement. That girl got a lot of energy and she's fast. She did well for banni, came in either 1st or 2nd. I'm surprised that she didn't run in some of the events. I'm sure if she did she'll have significant contribution for the house. My middle finger is still swollen, that stupid Lucas anyhow tackled me and hurt my finger. Oh and Mr Sufian went to draw the lots today. We have rj, sa, mi, acs(int). Looking forward for the sa match. Never play with them before.

4/3

Greenrich sec match wasn't that fruitful for me. I had to play with lower sec boys. How'd u expect me to hit them? They all so small. Especially the scrumhalf, so cute. So I ended up just following the ball. Didn't even go inside rucks. But I did make a couple of tackles only when it was really necessary. Then I joined the first team to play the last half. Made one really nice crash. Then assisted Danial for a try. Seriously, that try wasn't suppose to happen. Even after watching the video I still don't know why I passed to Danial. Bad move by me, but good play between me and Danial. Then hendy did a spectacular move, he MARCHED on even with more and more guys hugging onto him. It took like 4 or 5 guys to finally bring him to a stop. Yet another epic moment by hendy. Every now and then he'll flash his godly powers.

7/3

My abrasion got infected. I thought my abrasion was minor, wasn't so deep, so didn't bother to take care it. Either I was wrong or it's becase of the seafood I ate, my whole calf swelled up last Sunday. Then all the pus and fluid start coming out. Damn disgusting. Then it started to really hurt, especially when standing up after sitting down for a while. Now the swelling has gone down just a bit and there's less pus now, but still hurts. Learnt my lesson, next time any abrasions, must dress it straight away at the end. Cannot take chances during this season period. Hope it heals by Friday. Want to join for tug.

9/3

Irritating...that's what u feel about me. It's ok. It doesn't matter even if I'm being mistreated. You're hot and cold at random. I just can't let myself to be so pathetic. I need to keep my dignity, at least what's left of it.

10/3

Zhang Xue is leaving us. Seems like our class just keep getting smaller and smaller. First it was Ben and Zhen Rui, now Zhang Xue also. It's quite saddening. Kf cried when Zhang Xue announced the news. And the fucking ting chen is a fucking pain in the ass. I wish I can beat the hell out of him. I'm losing my will to study. I feel like I'm just drifting...day by day, both my mind and heart have become numb. The weight of my burdens is too much, I feel like giving up sometimes. What happens when I leave? Well probably the most obvious thing is that others around me will get hurt, especially those that are close with me. And that's the reason that's keep holding me back. But...what excatly will happen after that? Life will just go on? I only fear that my mom will try to follow me, but other than that, I'm sure people will just move on. I'll just become a memory, sooner or later forgotten, or just locked in the corner of their hearts for those who felt I was special to them. Sometimes I really find it hard to preservere, but keep telling myself don't be selfish. Sometimes I think about it...what's the best way to go? Jumping? Slitting wrists? And the best I feel is overdosing, but hard to get ur hands on those medicine. See, even dying is hard, living is not much better. But I think that's the most peaceful and painless way to go. Kf private her blog, don't know what happened, what caused her to do it? Well it's obvious that she doesn't want some people reading her blog anymore, and maybe I'm one of them. Well, that I can understand. Maybe she can't bear it anymore and decided to let out her feelings, like what I'm doing. It does help u relieve without the other party knowing. Then again, I shouldn't be concerned over it. Must suppress. Looking forward to the SP match.

17/3

Good news. Tomorrow there's SP match and the match against CJ is shifted to next Wednesday. Means I'll get to play both games :)

18/3

Yesterday's SP match was shit. I didn't run around like I used to. Don't know what happen. Maybe I wanted to see how the other tights will move. Mr Sufian said we weren't there. Then hendy got concussed. It seems that our mentality got shaken when the opponent started to play rough a bit. Really worry for the season. The fitness is obviously not there for the tights, they're not going in rucks, not standing deep. Whole lot of problems. Had farewell gathering with the class for Zhang Xue. There wa a book with all the class memories for her. Really nice and touching. Then kf and yang Jun left early. Don't know why, maybe she's tired or had to go home do sth. The rest of us just lepak, then camwhored. Then after a while, jian lin came up with an idea to play as reporter and report made up stories. It was epic funny. Especially Xiang Hui's retarded face. Shall watch it again when Xiao Liang upload the video onto fb.

20/3

Hmm...I've been wondering. Am I behaving correctly? Is it being too much by keeping such a distance from her? It all seem like an akward situation :s Hai...what to do?

22/3

Yesterday's training was quite beneficial, although there were some things that happened which no one was prepared for. First, Ren Hao lost control of his anger. Don't really know what triggered it. It's bad for the team when he's gone into this mode during training. He'll start hurting his own teammates.But if it were in a match, then it would be a different story. Then I pissed Mr Sufian off. It's all my fault. Should've at least discussed with him before making changes in the line-out. It just slipped my mind. When he came in to take over us, there wasn't a moment for discussion and I forgot. Then later on he got so pissed off that he walked off. We were taking too slow, not serious in the training and not putting in our 100%. But luckily he came back and continued the training. It was the most tiring training ever. Felt like playing two matches straight. Got a few blisters from the training and a couple of strains and pains. But it was really fruitful. Our forward play got really smooth. It's cuz everyone was running and being there. It all fell into place. But the bad news is that shazwan is no longer the scrum-half. Really sucks. I sort of know how it feels like, when u put in effort and train hard for season and in the end you're not playing. All goes to waste. Well hope at least he can play as winger.

25/3

Yesterday's match against SA wasn't well played. On my part, I played like shit. All our line-outs were lost. Scrum also lost a few times. Fucking unfit also, even though the weather was very hot, it's still unacceptable. Stupid of me, go stuff myself just before a match. Felt like going to puke when playing. Then after I got cramps in both legs during the second-half, I was practically useless. Just jogging around and not contributing much. Really disappointed with myself. Must get fitter for the RI match. I know Mr Sufian hinted me that I did not play well. Kf said I'm drifting away from her and getting closer to hx, and she don't like it. When I asked her why she don't like, she gave the usual reply -- I don't know. I don't know how to take it, is she hinting sth? Am I suppose to react sth? Guess I'll never know the reason. I doubt she'll ever be frank with me. I thought we're just friends now, I think it's a bit too much to interfere with how I interact with other people. But I get the feeling that she's scared that I'll get 'seduced' by hx. Well it's reasonable though. Honestly, I think hx is too much of a flirt. But from start I found out from Ben that she's more comfortable with guys compared to what other girls would. And her behaviours tend to give the wrong signals. Also, her character is not that good. Seems like she just keeps lots of people around so that she can ask for help, make use of them. She's hot and cold at random. Hai...stupid girl. If that's what you're worried about, then you're just torturing yourself. I meant every word that I said to you. Besides, I'm too slow and stupid to be seduced. That's why I'm always your fool. But I'm getting tired, there're a lot of burdens on me now. And dad is coming down soon. Guess we won't ever be together.

2/4

She privated her blog again. Maybe she wrote things regarding me. The last time she wrote about how I became very cocky, she privated it at first also. My calf is still painful. That's the only problem that can cause me not to perform when playing in a match other than being badly injured by the opponent. Next week is RI match. I want to earn that best player title. Means I've to stand out. Since I'm a forward, the only way for me to stand out is to do a lot of good crashes, which means I've to receive the ball often and which means I've to be always there. Ultimately, run like dog. And of course, make good and hard tackles. Best is to send someone out. Yes! Mr Sufian wants the ruggers to run 12 rounds every pe from now till end of season. Excatly what I need, all the while can't find time to go run. This will really help improve the fitness level of the forwards.

4/4

Can't stand it. Keep thinking about u. Want to talk with u badly, but can't bring myself to start the conversation. I really don't know how. And my mind is still figuring about the things u said. I wish for once that you'll be honest with me and speak directly from your heart. What excatly are u trying to say? Stupid stupid stupid. Idiot. Why why why! Why did I fall for u? Why am I so affected whereas you seem to be totally unaffected. Now I think I'm going to be afraid of falling for someone else. I'm losing my directions.

5/4

I finally found out what happened between us. Just wish that it would have came from u and not Xiang Hui. It's at least somewhat relieving to finally know the answer. No more toturing myself by thinking of the reasons and losing my mind. You said I don't understand u and I'm too slow and stupid. You can't wait for me to learn about the things slowly. I don't blame u for it. It was my failure. I'm too straightforward guy. I can't catch subtle hints. But neither am I a psychic. I did told you from the start to be patient with me because I know my shortcomings. This is who I am, slow and stupid. And now I know you can't tolerate them. I told u that I don't want any barriers between us, but looks like there'll always be. But it's good that u ended it quick, to prevent it from becoming bothersome to u. I'm just sad that u didn't plan on tell me the real reason, and a third party had to tell me instead. It's been almost 2 months before I finally know it. I don't know how much more I've to torture myself if Xiang Hui didn't tell me. Finally I can stop tormenting myself. Everyday, every single day, I kept thinking of what went wrong, without really knowing what excatly happened in the first place. And all the memories about us kept flashing back. I had this feeling that the reasons u gave about studies and can't commit were all bullshit. Kept asking myself why am I so affected while you're not, why am I doing this to myself? Are you really worth it? I feel like I'm being torn apart, my mind and heart are telling me to do excaty opposite things. In the end, I wasn't good enough for u. I want to laugh and cry at the same time for being so pathetic. Things are only starting to heal and then I got to know this. And with the recent things that happenend, I don't know whether you're giving hints again or what. I really don't know. Ever since I realised my feelings for u, it just get more and more painful to love u.

8/4

Had my first ever concussion during the RI match yesterday. All I remembered was after the starting kick off, the opponent tap back the ball and I managed go after the ball and broke through. After that I remembered nth. I tried hard to think back and only able to recall just small fragments of it. Think I came out of the ruck and everything was in a swirl. Someone must have knocked me silly in the ruck. Then blank again. After that I had this faint memory of razak calling me in for scrum. Blank again. Things only started to concrete onto my mind during the first line-out. Then the game was stopped due to heavy rain. It's like during that period, nothing seems to register in my mind. My subconscious took over I guess. It all happened in a couple of minutes. I have to thank god for the rain. Or else I wouldn't have had the time to rest and recover. When the match resumed I was like half drunk. There's this dizzy spell and bright light at the left corner of my eye. But I just carried on and tried to presevere. Made a few good tackles and sent the no.12 out. Think I hurt his arm with my tackle.
Then finally I couldn't take it anymore. My head was spinning like crazy. I subbed out at the last 10 min I think. The front of my head was aching. I think the tackles made it worse. Hai...I wish the concussion took away some of my memories. Seems like I wasn't good enough for u. I'm sorry for being such a disappointment. I'm sorry that I wasn't caring enough and insensitive. I didn't take the initiative. I was always hesitant that my actions might make u feel uncomfortable. I did thought of holding your hand, but then everytime I thought of it, I looked back at my rough hands and how it'll sweat partly because I'm nervous, I thought better not. It just feels like back to the beginning again. Well, at least now I know. U need a smarter guy. A guy who can read ur mind. A guy who knows everything about u and knows excatly what to do just by looking at u. I'm not that guy. I doubt that I'll ever come close to being that guy. Fuck, my tears are swelling up. Heh, why am I so fucking dumb and naive. Wish I didn't go to boys school, or else I won't be such a hopeless case. Well, if that's what u want then Yee Liang is the guy for. U seem to be able to open your heart to him and he understands a lot about u. I don't know whether you've given up on me but I just can't give u up. Believe me I tried to. But the more I tried to the more I can't. U and rugby are the only two things that make my life meaningful. Both are irreplaceable. I tried to make my dad happy by switching back to golf, but it just didn't work. I just don't have the motivation and the heart in it anymore. Only rugby has it. Likewise for u. No other girls seem to get my attention. Any girl that I look, just seem like any other person to me. Call me clingy, stubborn or just plain stupid, but I can't deny my heart's feelings. Dad's coming on Wednesday. Things are gonna get really heated up again. Where do I draw strength from?

10/4

I wish we can just talk about it. Decide on what's gonna happen next between us. But somehow I choke on myself whenever I want to speak to u from my heart. And most of the times you're not alone.

2009-11-18T20:22:00.004+08:00

Just found out yesterday that our dear Tabitha finally has a blog. Went to read it and OMG I can't belief the posts she put. Seriously Tabitha, you need some anger-management therapy counseling. You've like deadly fury that's screaming to come out inside of you and be unleashed upon the world.

Later at night went for the IYA (International Year of Astronomy, see I know one ok ;) ) at Japanese Garden with Zhen Yuan, which apparently, is inside Chinese Garden O.o Really cool event. First time going for this kind of thing. I got a balloon :D and there were free candy floss and pop corn. Later at night, we went for the sort of introductory lesson on stars. It's inside a portal planetarium, some dome thing. Inside there's a projector which simulate the stars and the forms they represent. Ben and Serene came later. The garden was like a refugee camp. Everywhere were people lying down on mats.Good thing I came prepared. I used my sleeping bag so that we can lie down and look properly at the sky.

Out of the whole time, I only saw one shooting star :/ but that was good enough. Made a wish. It was my first time seeing a shooting star. It felt so surreal. Happened in a blink of an eye. Makes you wonder if you had really seen it. There's that bright flash of white light coming down and that was it. Poor Serene, she took all the trouble of sneaking out of her house at 2 in the morning but didn't even see one shooting star.

Hm...Gui Wu is having second thoughts about Giraffe. In one small corner of my heart, I hoped for this day to come. But now seeing her suffer like this, the way i did, makes it all wrong. Now that things are turning out like this, I'm not give up on myself again. After what's happened, makes me realise how important Gui Wu is to me. Yee Liang, I'll need to take back that thing from you.

2009-11-16T19:45:00.003+08:00

Rugby doesn't seem to help at all. Everything seems gloomy nowadays. Even the sun doesn't come out now. Been considering somethings and discussing with Yee Liang.

16/11

2009-11-13T19:51:00.003+08:00

Couldn't sleep last night. Kept thinking about it. I know it's the good of you but didn't know it'll hurt this much.

Really love you so much. Knowing my own shortcomings, I know I'm not good enough for you. You're moved by words, which I couldn't do it. Whenever I look at both of you from behind, you both look very compatible. I can't bear to be the third party and spoil your happiness. He's the better man. That's why I did not commit myself and just let things flow. You are always my priority. Love till it hurts. I just ask only one thing from you. Stay happy. Wish both of you all the best.

Received the sms that I got selected for OGL. I'm supposed to be overjoyed, but I'm not. Didn't go to ecp in the end. Better not go there alone. Instead went to play rugby match. Use pain to heal the pain.

2009-11-12T21:13:00.002+08:00

Going to the beach tomorrow.

12/11

2009-11-11T09:36:00.004+08:00

There are so many things that I want to say to you face to face, but there was never the right place or the right time. I'm sorry for putting you in this situation.

I just want you to be happy.

11/11

2009-11-07T16:30:00.004+08:00

Went to watch My Sister's Keeper yesterday evening. Jain Lin didn't want to go so end up only Ben Ben, Yee Liang and me went. Really touching and heartbreaking story. Bring tissue along if your planning to watch it. I almost had tears weld up in my eyes. Well, Ben Ben cried. I didn't know what to do or say to her, so I only smiled at her :/ Great show, best one out of the three movies I've watched. I shall not reveal the story cuz then it would spoil the emotional impact. All I can say is that there's a twist in the end. The show made me do a bit of soul searching as well.

Later went to eat. While we ate, we shared a bit of things. I learnt a bit about Yee Liang. Got kena ganged by Ben Ben and Yee Liang. Both suan me and I got confused. I think I'm too much of a straightforward guy, every time they say something with some implied meaning, I don't catch it. Better start leveling up.

Hmm...I think I'll probably only stop thinking about Gui Wu if Gui Wu becomes an evil and mean person. Gui Wu told me there is a Wu Gui. Really wanted to know who's that lucky guy. Then Gui Wu later said there's isn't. But the things Gui Wu said before and after don't coincide. Hmm...shall investigate on that.

Really anxious about the OGL. I really hope I get selected. I planned my whole holidays according to the OGL schedule. I really dread going back for holiday. I dread going back to talk with my dad, the whole 'your future' discussion. I dread having no friends and having nowhere to go. It's all because I don't have anything to do other than study when I go back, that I took up golf. But I want to see my relatives, my cousins, and most of all my grandpa. Each time I go back to see him, he seems to get frailer and frailer. I hope he's still healthy. I don't know how long things will stay this way but I wish that it'll continue as long as it could. Although I might not be close with him, I still respect him and there's always a place for him in my heart. He's very nice to the children. I still remember my childhood when my brother would go visit him, he'll always buy our favourite food and give us money to play arcade. Then before we leave, he'll always give us some pocket money each. Always looked forward to visit his house. Hmm...memories.

Really no motivation to do work. Been slacking for very very long now, feel like a hypocrite. Really looking forward to the earful that my dad is going to give me tomorrow. Feel like going to the beach. Hai...that's it for now.

7/11/09

2009-11-04T16:43:00.004+08:00

Here to blog again. Got a lot of things to write. Let's start with Monday. Had chinese a level. I didn't I can't really score for the paper. Compo ending was not good. Then the paper 2 was so difficult. A lot of chim words. Oh well, just glad that it's over now. What's done is done. Don't really want to dwell over it. Yesterday was interesting, I must say Mr Oh has his ways of improving our OP. Made people stand on stage and present without the slides. Reason for it? So that they won't refer to the slides and left with nothing to do but to look at the audience. Then another one was to make us stand opposite each other and look, but for serene is stare, at each other's forehead or eyebrows, also to improve our awareness of audience.

Was really worried that night, scared that I won't even be shortlisted for the interview because I had no leadership experience. Then today found out that I was in. What a relief. Went for the interview in the afternoon. I think I did ok. Now, another thing to worry about. Hope I get selected >.< fingers crossed. OP rehearsal was ok I think, but there's always room for improvement. After the interview, we went to the 'secret location' to learn the 'secret "beat it"'. I must really do it good, a practice for being a porper ogl. But seriously, that pelvis movement way out of my league, and it didn't when Tommy was the one who's doing it. When I saw it, I was like O.O , but then still must do on that day. Hmph...prove that I can dance. But Ben Ben was really enthu about it, she keep practicing and saying "Eh, do again, do again".

Been playing cafe world for about a week now, Ben Ben was the one who introduced it and I was bored. Yee Liang and Jian Lin are also playing now. I WANT MY DUNGEON THEME!!!!! But the deco and items are so expensive Y_Y but nvm I have patience. I will complete it one day Ben Ben, just wait ^^ and it won't take a year.

Now, for some important stuff. Talked to erm....let's call it Gui Wu, about what I wanted to say. Really appreciate Gui Wu for being such a nice person. I don't know, even I myself thought that I won't have the courage to say it but I actually did. Maybe Gui Wu gave me courage. Really quite fond of Gui Wu, everytime I see Gui Wu smile, everything seem to be better. I hope we'll still be close no matter what. Now I can only wait and see how things will turn out. I'll wait.

Hm...really worried about someone. Seems that times are really hard for him now. Don't really know how to help him and I'm like stuck in the middle. Hang in there bro.

4/11/09

2009-11-01T07:41:00.003+08:00

Ok, here to blog again. Went to JP to watch Jennifer's Body on Friday. Suppose to be only 8 people watching, Ben Ben, Yang Jun, Yee Liang, Xiu Jin, Zhen Yuan, Nwe Nwe, Jian Lin and me. Gary only told Jian Lin that he's not going so we ended up buying 9 tickets. Luckily, the ladies used thier charm and diplomatic skills to get a refund for Gary's ticket ^^ Honestly, the movie was not good and I expected it not to be. Anticipated that it's a lousy movie which just used Megan Fox showing some skin to attract viewers. But I went to watch to enjoy the company. After movie, we went to Banquet to eat. Later we went to a viod deck to chill. Jian Lin brought booze and a few of us tried it. I took a really really small sip. Never liked beer, it still taste like shit to me. Tried it when I was young and didn't like it but thought when I grow old I would like it, but it doesn't seem so. We played turth and truth and came up with a lot of funny and random questions.

Hmm...been thinking about it and finally decided not to consult. It's my feelings and I'm sure of it. I don't need to know what others feel or what they'll do if they were me. Funny. I've going one big round just to realise that it's just near me. Didn't even see it coming but I finally realised. Thinking about it make me feel really stupid, I should have notice sooner. But whatever the outcome, I'll not regret. About time that I stand up and have the courage.

Been slacking the whole week, didn't even do any work. Will start doing chem homework next week. Tomorrow is chinese a level. Hope I can write finish a decent compo >.< That's all for now.

1/11/09

2009-10-27T19:18:00.003+08:00

Here to blog again. Ok let's start. Yesterday was the inter-house games and naturally of course I joined for touch rugby. Don't really love the game but what can you do when your desperate to play rugby? Even if it's something close is good enough. But what I hate about it is that you can't push on unlike rugby, if you get touched you'll have to put the ball down. Totally lose the fighting spirit of rugby. Anyway, it's all good. I think Banni played well though we came in only third. But I don't really cared about the position. It was fun in all. Everyone had fun. The ruggers had their KP (kao peh) mode on. Really enjoyed hanging out with them, always full of fun and laughter. Went back a couple of times to check on the vball team. Poor vice cap Ben Ben, so noble of her to join the team so impromptu. She played and sacrificed her hand for the house team, the rest of the s10 girls also. Played until her hands 'or chey' :( Hope her hands get better soon.

Later in the day, Ben Ben, Hui Xian, Jian Lin, Yi Long and his friend ( i forgot his name :s) went to watch 'Pandorum'. Serence tagged along but back out last minute cuz she scared. Well honestly, the movie was a total waste of money. Totally ridiculous and not scary at all. The only scare I got was from Jian Lin. Later went to have dinner then came back home.

Hmm...have something to tell to someone. But I have to confirm with myself and consult, and wait for the right time, probably after chinese a level.

That's all for now.

28/10

2009-10-18T08:23:00.003+08:00

Alright, here to blog again. Hmm...let's see. Ok, got back all the promo papers already. I have to say that I could have done better, really expecting an earful from my parents if I were to tell them the results. Sigh...

Anyway, went to play 7s on Friday at SA. I'm really humbled. The guys played great, most played better than me. They had great improvements since the testimonial. Really happy for them. Asif (hope it's the correct spelling) is a winger material, 2 solid tries in his debut match, really awesome. And Timo scored a try, really proud of him. As for me, I didn't play up to my standard. Maybe it's because of my parents that make me feel half-hearted to play. And the match only reconfirmed that I can never play backline. But, I'm just glad that I get to play. Mr. Sufian has a plan for me, I hope it works out and I that I can play season next year. *fingers crossed*

Ok, this is for Ben Ben. I'm really at a lost now, with my feelings which I, myself, can't even comprehend. Somehow, I feel that my feelings for the tree are slowing slipping away.

Went to Zhen Yuan house to do pw. Then went to IMM to eat. Later ended up shopping for my pencil case and pouch for my phone at Diso. Could'nt find the pouch so I ended up searching for it in the whole mall. In the end, I went back to Diso to get a glove and made it into a pouch when I reach home.

Gona talk with dad at 9, hope it won't be very bad. Later going to with Serene they all to get the tie for gu niang Guan Ting. Day off for me ^^ That's all for now.

18/10

2009-10-05T17:15:00.003+08:00

Due to popular demand [well actually just from ben ben, but oh well :) ], gonna update again. Hope you like it >)

Well, let's see where to start from...It's been about a month since my dad went back. I know it's bad of me to say it but I'm glad he finally went back. Can't stand that much attention I get from him :/ I shall keep the emo stuff to minimum from now on, learn from ben ben ;D Hm...life is still as usual, boring and same old same old. Home to school, school to home. Books to TV, TV to books. If not for the occasional chatter with my classmates, especially ben ben and yang jun, I'll be bored to death. Knew quite a few things about them through the sharings.

To ben ben, I want to say that it's fortunate that things surfaced this way. I didn't really have good impression of your 'tsk'. Seems too playful and flirty, and I believe you deserve someone better than that. I'm happy for you that your getting over it, hope that really good someone comes along for you :) And thank you, for listening to me all the while. Always felt better after talking it out with you.

To yang jun, I'm sorry for the situation you are in. But sometimes you have to understand that life doesn't deal you the hand you want and if you really like her then you should be happy for her and wish her all the best. 你的世界,就让你拥有,不打扰是我的温柔 part of the lyrics from
温柔 -- 五月天 . I'm sure you'll become the squirrel one day >)

To myself, stop dreaming and stoning away everyday. Think of something happy, don't always be such an emo dick. Always look at the bright side of life, de deh de deh de deh deh deh deh deh.

Hmm...tomorrow it's physics, last paper of promo. Math was a bit hard, hope I didn't screw up too much. Thinking of playing back maple, just downloaded it. But all my account characters in Aquila is all screwed up, I forgot the 2nd password for my main Y_Y but heng still got my lvl 31 xbowman in Cas. Gotta jio people to play with me hor ben ben? ^^

Still can't decide the plan for tomorrow, pool with ben poh and the rest then go for movie, or go for rugby training then go for movie. See how bah

5/10

2009-08-08T13:35:00.003+08:00

It's been more than a month since I last blogged. Been dying to let it out, but my mom has been watching me like a hawk. Now I can hardly touch my com. Well, so many things have happened for the past month and it'll take some time for me to recall them back. I hope you're happy that I finally updated my blog Ben Ben :)

First, my dad came to S'pore and made me quit rugby. He talked with Mr Oh and arranged me to take up golf again as external CCA. Well, I figured this sort of thing will happen to eventually. Why do things happen the way they are not supposed to? I wasn't suppose to come JJ, I wasn't suppose to join rugby, I wasn't suppose develop feelings for.....well that's another story. It's that small glimpse of hope, that human nature of ours to hold on to something which you know you can't have. At first I liked rugby because of the company. The J2 ruggers were the ones who talked to me and made me feel welcome when I first arrived at JJ. I still remember that I'm the only one here from my secondary school with no one to talk to, going from lecture to lecture sitting alone. Rugby made me feel less lonely, the time that I've spent on it and the pain I got from it sort of distracted me from thinking of stupid things and that someone. But then slowly I fell in love with the game. But now I've become a disappointment. I'm a pathetic loser, a hypocrite, who don't deserve any sympathy.

It was my choice to quit because it is the only logical choice I had. I can no longer stand the nagging and quarrellings with my parents everyday. As the last hopeful son, it's my duty to follow my parents wishes. Maybe my principles are too strong, or I'm being too filial, or its the masochism in me. During the college day, Ms Kim talked to me. I still remember that one question she asked me; 'Where's your heart?' The answer was obvious but I couldn't say out the answer, because I broke down. I love rugby, it might have been a mistake but I still love it.

I know I'm suffering from depression. Have been losing my appetite and I lost a lot of weight. Every since secondary school, my weight has never not dropped below 70kg. Now I'm 67kg from the last time I weighed, a couple of weeks ago. Every time I come home, I feel very tired even though there wasn't any PE on that day. It's like every time I reach home my heart feels heavy and the sight of my mom robs off all my energy. I'm having trouble sleeping too. Sometimes I can't fall asleep even after I've went to bed after some time. Would stare at the ceiling and keep thinking of miserable and stupid thoughts. Closing my eyes doesn't help at all, it made me feel worse. It visualise my thoughts. Honestly there were close calls, but every time I reasoned myself not to do it. But it seems my reasonings are getting weaker. I'm not sure how long I can go on like this. I'm an emotional wreck now. Christopher told me a few days ago that 'you're dead inside'. He's totally right.

Dad's coming to S'pore again on the 11th. Have to act like I'm all okay.

8/8/09

2009-06-24T00:31:00.003+08:00

Really bored to death staying at home. And to make things worse, dad's coming on Thursday. Which means I'll be stuck staying at home battling it out with him. I really don't know what's the outcome going to be. Hai, if only I knew things will turn out like this. I wanted to go to the Macau trip but then I thought there's rugby camp during the June holiday and there's the testimonial match to train for. Well, it's sort funny that my situation has became like this. Not only no rugby camp, had to quit rugby, everyday staying at home rotting. Things don't really go according to what you expect most of the times. I can't believe I'm saying this but I hate holidays. Have to be stuck in this prison. Have I become clingy to my friends? I don't know. There's this empty feeling. Without rugby, I've lost like a part of my life.

Well, it's a good thing that the tests are now postponed. But I hope the teachers won't add in extra topics because of it. My revisions are on schedule, but didn't touch chinese. If I remember correctly there's jian bao, filing and read the storybook to prepare for the test. Haha, see how lor. Actually I haven't updated any of my files yet :/ Never liked updating files. Tomorrow going to Jurong East library to study with esther. Haven't talked to her for quite awhile.

Well, I've decided to play for testimonial. I don't care the consequences. I don't care how my mom's going to complain about it to my dad. I'll be more than happy if I were to break something. At least then I can go off with a proper excuse. It's the swansong match for the J2s and propably might be for me too. Gona play my heart out. Well that's all for now. Night.

(24/6/09)

2009-06-21T00:17:00.003+08:00

Been stuck at home everyday since Tuesday, doing a bit of studying. I'm going out of my mind from this. Dying to go out for a change of environment. Really miss hanging out with guys, eating together after training and talking cock. But can't seem to get anyone to go out with me :/ Well not everyone is so free like me right?

Anyway, all the staying at home and listening to music made me realise that my playlist are full of emo songs. Full of break-up, death, lonely, rejection, sad songs. (Btw not all are jay chou songs) But I can somehow relate to those songs very well, and it make me feel a bit emotional. But hey, this shows that I'm still alive right? Since young, I've been very emotional. It doesn't take much of my second brother to make me shed tears. If I didn't get what I want or get disapporved of, all he has to say was "Oh, gona cry gona cry" and then soon after I'll burst into tears. No matter how hard I try to hold my tears and not give him the satisfaction, I'll still end up crying in the end. Till now I cry easily though I've become immune from my brother's teasing. And everytime I cry, I feel like a wimp. So, there you go, now you know one of my weakness is being a bit emotional.

Ok, enough revaling a little about myself. Back to what I want to say. Ah yes, I got addicted to the song Jesus of Suburbia by Green Day. Kept listening to it all day. Sad but nice song anyway. Oh and one last thing. Dad's coming to S'pore soon to sort things out with me. It's gona be a showdown. I swear he'll regret it if he tries to force me.

Hm...thinking of getting an iPod. Better to go deaf than go insane. Night.

(21/06/09)

2009-06-19T00:49:00.004+08:00

Haven't touched this blog for a few days now. Didn't really have the mood. Let me recall the pass few days...

Nothing much to say really. Staying at home, stuck inside my room, trying to force myself to study. Quarrelling with my parents here and there. Oh, went to watch Taking of Pelhem 123 with serene, hui xian and zhen yuan at JP on Monday. Ben overslept so didn't make it. After that we went kopitiam to eat a bit. Then we parted. The girls went home and zhen yuan and I went to the library to study.

Talked with my dad yesterday. I asked him whether if I could join back rugby. He said we'll discuss about this after the test. Maybe if I can get good enough grades to throw it in his face, there might be hope for me. That's the motivation for me to study now.

Well, at least something happened today to make me feel better. I recovered one of my favourite songs by Green day - Jesus of Suburbia. Was looking at serene's facebook note when this song popped up as one of her answers. This song was at the back of my head. My brother bought the album and I think it was stored inside my com. But I think i reformatted my com later on and the song was lost from then on. Today then I re-downloaded the song and listened to it. Awesome song. I let it repeat for the whole day. It's probably the most epic Green Day song. For those who can't appreciate the lyrics, it's about a poor lonely soul who called himself "Jesus of Suburbia". His life is screwed up and so is the city he's living in. He feels that he's not living his life but just merely existing. In the end, he leaves the forsaken city to start a new life. I especially like the ending (there are five parts in that song) where he runs away to start a new life. It gives you that feeling of sudden courage to do what you want and the feeling of being set free.

Well, that's it for today. Oh, almost forgot. Thanks to all those who tried to cheer me up. I'm sorry if my misery had passed on to you. But I'm all better now. Thanks all. Well, the night is not young anymore. Night.

2009-06-14T00:28:00.004+08:00

Went to school today with a heavy heart. I told sheng da that I'm leaving the team. Told them I have no choice. But they think that it's just a normal conflict between me and my parents and that they'll try to find a way to bring me back somehow. But I doubt they'll succeed. They don't know my parents, my situation. I'm their last hope. Their last hope to comfort themselves that at least they can bring up a son properly and that they are decent parents. For that they'll do everything they can to make me stay on the track that they have planned. Anything that they think is hindering my progress must be blocked from me. I'm like water in their hands. After all this, I just hope that they'll bother me less from now on.

Went back home later and forced myself to study although I totally have no mood. The whole day was a torture.

I'm sorry that I quit on you guys. Please forgive me. It pains me to leave you guys too. But I promise, if I can't join rugby I won't join any other CCA. That's the least I can do.

Right now, I really can't appreciate my life. I feel like going off to somewhere far away, away from feeling this suffering. I know, I'll go ECP tommorw. Pray that it won't rain though. Gonna cry myself to sleep again. Night.

14/6/09

2009-06-12T23:52:00.003+08:00

Today is agruably the saddest day of my life. But let me recall on the class outing first.

Yesterday bbq at ECP was good. Had some quiet time for myself. It was really hot when we reached there at first. But as the sun starts to set, it became cooler. I sat at the bank the whole time, enjoying the sea breeze and the sound of the waves. The sky was clear with some beautiful clouds. It was really realxing. It's been a long time since I had this kind of experience. Sat there until there was totally no sunlight, then went back to the pit for some food. Before going home, went to the bank again. It was totally different but equally if not more enjoyable. Totally dark. Very cooling. The sky was littered with stars. Then there was the occasional airplanes flying by, and their lights blinking. And the lights from the ships at the horizon were like beautiful lanterns floating around. But all good things must come to an end, had to go home soon after. Definitely gona try it again when I go to ECP again.

Now the misery. I finally gave in to my dad and agreed to quit rugby. I don't want to keep fighting with my parents anymore. And it's for the sake of the team also. If I don't quit, he'll go to the teachers and the principal and start creating a storm. It'll blow up the matter and ruin the team. I don't want that. Totally miserable the whole day. Played games but didn't seem to help much. There's this sinking feeling all the time. I feel like I've let down the team. People around me are expecting me to contribute, but now I'm gona quit on them. The team now has barely enough people for a team and here I am making matters worse. And then there's the testimonial.

I'm really sorry lucas and javier. Please train hard for me brothers. Don't follow me and quit on the team too. It'll only make matters worse. I'll be with you guys mentally even though I will not be present during training. I never regretted joining rugby. The seniors made me feel welcomed and the team is a bunch of fun people. Everyday I looked forward to the coming training. Those were the times when I really felt free.

Well, gona return the shutter keys to sheng da tomorrow and somehow break the news to him. I hope I don't break down. Telling him the news already feels like a death sentence to me. I don't know how I'm gona survive the rest of the years, where wherever I look there will be a disappointed face in return. I'm too ashame to face them. I deserve to be condemn.

Time to go to sleep but I doubt I will. I'll just have to cry myself to sleep. Last One Cheer for old times sake. Train hard and bring glory guys. COUGARS!!! ROAR!!! COUGARS!!! ROAR!!! COUGARS!!! ROAR!!!

2009-06-10T23:29:00.004+08:00

Mom didn't bother me at all today. Maybe it's because I told her to talk to me only when it's really necessary during our arguement yesterday. I really can't believe a mother and a son will reach this kind of stage. It's really heartbreaking for both of us. It's true that we always hurt the ones we love. But this might be for our own good and I hope time will heal us. E-mailed to my dad today. Told him to stop forcing me into his ways. Asked him to take a step back and give me some space. I really don't know whether things will get better or worse from this point on. I can only hope and pray.

Didn't wrote yesterday so there are things to catch up on. First, want to thank the class for their well wishes on the ball. Really appreciate serene for getting the ball although it was really long overdue(I'm not complaining btw so don't get mad if you read this). Have to hand it to her, she's the sai kang warrior of the class. Organised birthdays, outings and this coming bbq also. Really appreciate her for bringing the class together. Best director ever >) ( again don't let this get over your head if you read this). Oh, and also had another psychological attack from "you-know-who" with his "you-know-what" comment. I don't know why that "you-know-who" always make those "you-know-what" comments only to me :s Minimum contact, wait no, should be zero contact. ZERO CONTACT AND MAXIMUM DISTANCE is the best option for me now.

Had PT training today. Usual stuff - 5km and gym. But the attendance was really depressing. Less than 10 were present. I hope everyone will bring their asses down for this Friday or Saturday training so we can do line-out, scrums and team runs. Testimonial match is on the 27th and there is only 5 proper training days left. Have to put up a good fight against the seniors. Wonder how g.o.d's tackle will feel like ^^. Suppose to go for a movie with peter and the guys but was cancelled at last minute because some couldn't make it :/ Went to JP for lunch with sheng da, xian wen and javier. Came back home to sleep then woke up to do organic chemistry tutorial (IL) and study chem equilibrium for the test tomorrow. Really look forward to the ECP bbq/class outing tomorrow. The night will probably still be young for me tomorrow >D. Gotta go sleep now, tomorrow got chem lesson at 9. Night.

11/6/09

2009-06-09T23:39:00.004+08:00

On the brink of being selfish. Losing hope and strength. I'll treasure each day as if my last from now on.

9/6/09

2009-06-09T00:02:00.003+08:00

Today's training was less fun. Miss javier and lucas :/ Hope lucas is coping well with his loss. Thumb gave me problems during training today. Couldn't catch even some of the simplest balls and make some knock-on(s) :s Think still need a couple more days for it to heal fully. And i need to be more mentally strong. Had the idea of slacking off nearing the end of training when the sun was burning hot.

Waited for ben the whole afternoon for him to collect his stuff and then thought of studying together later. But he couldn't come at the last minute. In the end, i just lazed around in school till evening. Didn't feel like studying alone and no mood as well. Things that have happend in the past few days made me frustrated and can't seem to brush them off my mind. It even affected me during training. I stoned there twice, thinking about them.

Talked with my dad later in the night. Things seem to be a little bit better. I think i made my point to him. But mom's constant nagging continues. Can't stand it.

Can't wait for wed to watch movie with peter, fern and joseph and maybe somemore other classmates, and also the bbq on thursday at east coast. >D Hope all these outings will lift my mood. Oh, almost forgot, i'm gald yang jun and the girls had fun at escape today. Physics lesson at 9 tomorrow so gotta go sleep now. Night.

9/6/09

2009-06-08T00:08:00.003+08:00

Hmm...today was a quite slacky day. Didn't do any work again. Played dota and tweaked this blog the whole afternoon. Went to JP in the evening to get a few stuffs. Oh, in the evening i received msg from lucas that his grandpa passed away. Sent him my condolences. I've never experience losing any of my relatives. I fear for that day, but it also make me reflect about life. Whatever we do and acheived in life, will lose all of its values when we leave this world. Then why strive for them in the first place? Well, i feel that it's the experience, that sentimental value. When you're lying in your death bed and think back of your journey thus far; the happy and sad times, your accomplishments and failures, and how you've become the person you are now, will make you feel that you've lived your life fruitfully, and this will set you free.

Thumb is a lot better now, no longer puffy and swollen. But it's still blue-black and a bit pain. Don't really think it'll heal fully by tomorrow. And lucas and javier are not going training tomorrow. Training will definitely become a little less fun without them :/ And i'm sorry that i can't go escape with xui jin and pei ling they all. I feel bad rejecting them. I'll make up for it when another opportunity arise. Hope they have fun tomorrow >)

I'm glad i started writing on this blog. Take things off my chest. Words are my voice, they help me say things which i can't speak out. Well, that's all i have to say for now. Night.

8/6/09

2009-06-06T23:14:00.004+08:00

Sighhh...today was one of those really bad days. Talked with my dad twice today and both times we got into heated arguement. He wants me to come back home to settle the 'problem' that i'm having. In fact, it's not me who's having the problem. It's him. He has the constant need to control and have his hands on everything. Why can't he understand that i just want to be left alone. I'm tired of this. Tired of explaining all the time. Tired of meeting expectations. Tired of being an 'investment'. Tired of being shadowed and caged by my brothers' incompetence. Tired of my life. Sometimes i wish i could put an end to all this, but ppl around me are pulling me back. I can't bear to refelct my pain upon them. It'll be selfish of me. I'd rather make myself suffer than make those around me suffer. Well that's my life, live with it. Gotta stay strong. Can't be a hypocrite.

That's it for today. I hope i'll be better when i wake up again. Oh, and also hope that my thumb will heal by Monday. Night.

(7/5/09)

First Post

2009-06-06T00:46:00.005+08:00

Welcome to my blog :) i've just created it so it's not finish yet. Gonna take me a couple more days to finish it so ppl please bear with it.

Ok, reflecting of things today, wait yesterday, no i'll still say it as today cuz i haven't sleep yet. Anyway, today's training was good. There was contact :D. I realise that i'm too much of a solo kia and need to improve on my handling. Well, those are improvements to be made. I feel bad hurting Tim's shoulder and made Javier nose bleed. I was so scared that i would break his nose, but heng i didn't. And i also got a couple of injuries myself, sprained thumb from face-off and strained groin :/ but that's all normal for rugby. Oh oh, and i almost forgot, Elliott wore his 'sexy' full lower body tights today ^^

Went with the banni HC (most are my classmates) to eat lunch at usual place and hanged out with them for the rest of the day. I was slacking the whole day with the excuse of sprained thumb and didn't do any work (which i'm fully guilty of and take full responsibility). We spent the afternoon dai-ti(ing), talking cock, listen to music and as always, serene's whinning. But i really do pity and feel sorry for her. I can imagine myself in her shoes, i'll find life to be very sucky as well. So, i don't blame her for whinning. It's saddening to see her watching other ppl play while she alone sitting down there and just watching. I feel useless. Hai, but that's life. Shit happens, so deal with it. I hope she'll continue to stay strong. Oh, and i found out that i'm quite stereotypical and got kena shot.

Today is the last day of banni camp, i wonder if zheng yuan will still come school next week...like that then i can have a personal tutor :p well see how. Hmm...i'm getting very addicted to the song The Scientist by Coldplay, somehow it invoke feelings in me which i totally cannot understand why. Wa the night is not young anymore, gotta go sleep now.

(6/5/09)